Keystone Koppers

After my windshield was smashed last year, I reached out to the SFPD, specifically so they would shake down the thugs who live at the bottom of my street and throw household objects at passerby (I've personally been the target of an orange, a half-consumed Coke can, an unopened container of yogurt, and an empty bottle). No arrests so far, but the cops have taken the extraordinarily safety-conscious step of putting me on their weekly email list, in which they detail all the crime in the area over the last week.

These reports are pure genius. I don't know who writes them, but she could definitely do a better job with a novel than, say, Tom Wolfe. Some of my favorites are below.

In the immortal word of Dave Barry, I am not making this up...

Monday, November 22, 2004 1:12 AM Burglary Hot Prowl Arrest: 560 Scott Street. While a single female was sleeping safely in her apartment a desperate cat burglar broke into her apartment and stole her backpack full of the sleeping victim's personal items including her checkbook. As the burglar was making his getaway on the apartment building fire escape, he awoke an armed and dangerous resident in the apartment below the victim's. The awakened apartment dweller immediately grabbed his semi-automatic handgun and at gunpoint placed the burglar under citizen arrest. When the police arrived to take custody of the burglar, they asked him what he was doing on the fire escape, the cat burglar relied; "I was trying to figure out how to let the ladder down quietly." The police on searching the stolen backpack found victim's checkbook and address. The sleeping victim was gently awakened and her property returned to her.

Monday, November 22, 2004 4:03 PM Possession of Marijuana for Sale Arrest: Stanyan and Haight Street. Park Plainclothes Officers observed a drug dealer checking out his inventory of pot and relieved him of his hallucinogenic stash, cash and trash. Another dealer of the countless dealers booked at Park Police Station goes down in flames.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11:50 AM Auto Theft, Possession of Stolen Property, Narcotics Violations and Felony Parole Warrant Arrest: 1669 Haight Street. Our dynamite duo plainclothes Officers Matt Gardner and Bob Duffield teamed with the legendary Haight Street beat Officer Dante Giovannelli responded to a report of a man being passed out at the wheel of a parked vehicle for several hours. Prior to arriving at the man's location they checked the status of the parked vehicle, which came back as stolen. On their arrival they found the man slumped over in the driver's seat. They awoke the man who claimed the car belonged to "friends", but he could not remember their name or address. Further investigation uncovered that this sleeper was a fugitive wanted on a no bail felony warrant for parole violation. The man had in his possession a large quantity of methamphetamine and marijuana. In the process of recovering the stolen vehicle the Officers also discovered a large cache of stolen property. In an accommodating spirit the Officers made sure the sleeper would have plenty of time to catch up on his slumber in the slammer.

Thursday, November 25, 2004 4:45pm Attempted Robbery, Arrest Made: 600 Block of Stanyan Street. An early New Years celebrant entered a local grocery store and was not deterred by the fact that he had no means to pay for libations. Alas, he did have a backpack and concealed four expensive bottles of champagne and, needing something to go with it, chocolate-milk inside. After he exited the store, a security guard attempted to place him under citizen's arrest. The subject lost his party spirit and repeatedly struck the security officer in an attempt to get away. Store employees came to the aid of the guards and were able to detain the jerk until police arrived. The guard suffered only minor injuries.

Sunday, November 28, 2004 5:20p.m. Felony Drug Arrest: 1800 Block of Haight Street. The same astute plainclothes officers were once again offered drugs for purchase which they accepted. Yet another unlicensed pharmacist was removed from the street.