Thursday, August 31, 2006

The International Language of Love

Karaoke!

Isn't there something inherently appealling about people singing songs badly? Sly self-awareness, humility, a running good-natured open joke, that rare burst of talent - karaoke brings out the best in people across all languages and borders. Kind of like babies, or tickling, or pizza - what's not to like?

I've performed a spate of karaoke recently, and I'd like to present my most memorable moments on stage.

Best Karaoke Performance
Hot for Teacher, Van Halen - The Mint, San Francisco

Karaoke guru Chris holds this as one of the top karaoke performances by anyone of all time.

Worst Karaoke Performance
I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow, The Soggy Bottom Boys - Somewhere in Adams Morgan, Washington, DC

Great song, which I performed with college roommate Lipowicz at a cabaret to a round of applause, but a real stinker and downer on stage. Plus, majorly off-key.

Most Painful Karaoke Performance
Paradise City, Guns N Roses - Napa

Lots of good energy and I do the Axl scream well, but this song ripped out my voice for three days. It's too much. Also, the non-chorus lyrics are extremely stupid.
Just an urchin livin' under the street
I'm a hard case that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case
So buy me somethin' to eat
I'll pay you at another time
Take it to the end of the line

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

David Brent tells Microsoft WHAT IS UP

Better watch this quick - Microsoft internal training video featuring everybody's favorite office manager, Ricky Gervais.

It's all over the news and Microsoft has already pulled it off YouTube!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Sumpin Nasty

I was walking out to the car this morning when I saw the a Jiffy Jon on a construction site. It was being serviced by the honey bucket at the time; somewhat grossed out, I held my breath and jogged by.

AN HOUR LATER, IT'S STILL ALL I CAN SMELL!!!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Not Getting Screwed on Airfare

Stumbled on a cool site, Farecast, that anticipates if an airline ticket price is going to go up or down in the future. This seems like a shoo-in, as prices almost always go UP, but in booking my flight to DC for Turkey Day I noticed that JetBlue prices went down a solid $80 over the course of a week.

Feels good to beat that jerky pricing system at its own game.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Literary Bushit

The White House claims that George W. Bush has read SIXTY books this year - so far. Apparently, he's started a book-reading contest with Karl Rove (beats an indictment-receiving contest, right?) and he's up on Turd Blossom by 10. Here's a partial list from the White House.

As this post points out, it is impossible that W has read sixty books. I myself have undertaken the 50 book challenge for 2006, and so far, after really putting some effort into it, and enjoying a two-week vacation in Thailand/Cambodia where I knocked off 8 books in a hurry, I have only read 37 books so far. To be honest, some of those were selected (and toughed out in instances where I would normally quit) precisely because of their brevity (although I certainly have a few 500+ pagers in there too - including this beast). And while I have a full-time job, orchestrated a wedding party, and spend a lot of time writing, I'm certainly not burdened by too much, like kids or leading the world.

And then there's the obvious: Bush doesn't like to read the paper, much less books. He can't form a complete sentence on his own. He's demonstrated the intellectual curiosity of a worm.

Let's crunch the numbers on the reading list (or, better yet, let's steal them from somebody who's better at math):
Of the twelve books listed, I come up with a total page count of 5,356 pages, including 1,585 pages not available until at least 4/2006 of this year. That is an average page count of 450 pages per book. Multiply by his 60 books so far this year for a total page count of 27,000. 27,000 pages means the President would have to average a little over 115 pages per day. Reading a quick pace of a little over a minute per page, that is two hours a day of reading, and let's be honest, longer if you want to retain information in these types of books. And this from a man who prides himself in not reading the paper. I don't buy it.
Now in elementary school we had something called the MS Readation (the MS is for Multiple Sclerosis, not Microsoft or Matt Stewart). I lined up some sponsors and then collected donations to fight MS for each book I read. In a couple of months I think I put down something like 110 books.

Those books were short and they were easy. But I definitely skimmed a couple dozen. While that was a little dishonest, bear in mind that 1) I was raising money to beat a lethal disease and 2) All the other nerds in my class were going at a ferocious pace and I had to keep up. Also, there may have been some sort of reward/stickers at stake.

W, on the other hand, is just trying to pretend he's smart. He's clearly lying here (but what else is new?). This disingenuous claim is representative of the administration, their war on Iraq, their war on the lower class. And somebody should call him on it.

Unless, of course, he's just rereading his favorite goat book. It looks like a pretty quick read.

(On the scary front, reading and cycling, Bush's other free-time fave, are MY top two hobbies as well. Bush may be a bad president, but he'd be a cool dude to hang with.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

The Joy of Toast

A new world is upon us!

We just purchased our first-ever new toaster oven on Amazon. Let's just say you haven't had toast unless you've used the Cuisinart TOB-50 Classic Toaster Oven Broiler, brushed stainless and black. Toasts to a perfect shade of brown on the first try (no retoasting required), soft, warm beeps when the toast is done, and easily the prettiest thing on the kitchen counter. This thing looks like it belongs in a stereo showroom, or the space shuttle. There's even a crumb tray for easy disposal! (Forgive me if this is standard equipment, but it's a tremendous improvement to my breakfasting universe.) And I even feel a little accomplished for having the word Cuisinart on the counter. (Am I a capitalist or what?)

Compare this to my previous toaster oven, purchased for five simoleons at the Value Village in Seattle. Ugly, peeling paint, no crumb tray, rusted, and gross. To be fair, it mostly did the job, with only rare burning and generally passable toasted food.

If anybody wants it, it'll be on the sidewalk on 18th Street in San Francisco later today.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Best Value in Modern Cinema

Is undoubtedly the San Jose Drive-In.

For $6.25, I was treated to a wham-bam double feature of Snakes on a Plane and You, Me and Dupree, both of which were fabulous. (I was suspicious of You, Me and Dupree due to terrible reviews, but Owen Wilson brings this movie home - many laugh out loud moments, and several of those involving vasectomies.) That's $3.125 per movie. Plus we brought in pizza, beer, snacks, etc - can't do that at your local cineplex.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Hamster Wheels or Health Insurance?

Nice to see Arnold's running a tight ship up in Sactown. The CA state assembly is voting on whether or not to force pet store owners to provide exercise equipment to their pets for sale.

Yet another example of how Americans treat animals better than people, especially the ones they don't personally know.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Snakes

Mark my words: BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

AOL is digging up a spammer's yard for buried treasure

I didn't believe the headline either until I clicked through.

Rocket Blows Up

Lonny Baxter, who helped the Maryland Terps win the NCAA title in 2002 (on my birthday!) and also starred on my high school basketball team, was just arrested for shooting a gun near the White House.

Now I agree with Lonny on sentiment. Who hasn't felt the urge to go down to Pennsylvania Ave. and talk some sense into that moron-in-chief? But guns are clearly incredibly stupid. Not that Lonny was dumb, but I think it took him six years to get through high school.

But man, you shoulda seen our basketball team back in '96. Alley-oops and dunks and blocked shots to the rafters on a regular basis. It was awesome. And Lonny (aka LB), clearly the best player, was fat and lazy and out of shape! Which is why we got waxed in the first round of the playoffs.

I think you could dig out an accurate metaphor for Lonny's life in that last paragraph.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Why I Love San Francisco

Last night, on the way home from a few beers and sangria at a tiny little Cuban bar, we stumbled upon a Japanese guy singing bluegrass. Monday night. Packed house - we had to stand on the sidewalk. He was fantastic.

Why do the suburbs exist?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Bad Headline of the Week

"E. Bay Crash Kills 4"

(can't see the bad headline on the article itself - might still be up here if you hustle)

In other news, Craigslist crashed over the weekend as well. Fortunately, there were only minor injuries.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

From the Archive -- The Amazing Race Audition Tape

This video landed us an interview for The Amazing Race 10. Despite having attended the same college as our interviewer (and clearly being the coolest dudes in the universe) we didn't make the cut.

Why?

THESE GUYS!

Friday, August 11, 2006

Quick Hits on Mission Life

I've lived in the Mission for nearly a week now - time to start making some generalizations!

1. People are happier in the Mission.

2. It's noticeably warmer and sunnier - I was wearing shorts and sandals several times this week.

3. Energy levels are higher. Part of this is living on a bigger street, with stoplights and restaurants. Part of this is the lack of families and surplus of twentysomethins. Part of this is the density of bars.

4. Parking is no harder than in the Haight. Phew!

5. I see far fewer dirty/scary people on the street than I used to. A few blocks makes a big difference in the Mission - Mission Street itself is Vagrant Centrale, whereas Dolores Park (a ten-second walk from my pad) is hipster/Mexican dudes playing soccer/dog Centrale.

6. I now live a lot closer to many of my friends. Which is fantastic. But it's also raising demands for social time, which can be a drag on A) my wallet and B) time dedicated to reading and writing my various works of superlative imagination. A balance shall be struck.

7. The Mission has more soul. More latin music, more dancing on the sidewalks, more smiling at strangers. See point #1.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I Want These Motherfucking Beverages Off The Motherfucking Plane

Muslim fundamentalist terrorists -- occasionally good for a laff. And not much else.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Joe Lieberman: Man Without a Soul

Joe Lieberman just got spanked for being the annoying, Bush-apologist, soulless old man that he is.

Joe's been annoying Connecticut residents past and present (put me in the past camp) since his days of decrying offensive lyrics in music. Then it was badmouthing B-Clinton. Then it was running for VP and Senator simultaneously, meaning that if he and Gore had won, the Republican governor would have appointed a Republican and the Democrats would have lost a seat in the Senate. Shows a lot of heart, don't it?

Then he supported several stupid wars and became go-to puppet for W. And now that Connecticut Democrats have wised up and replaced him with a person who actually agrees in the platform of the Democratic party, Joe decided to run as an Independent!

Clearly, Joe doesn't care about anybody except himself. I voted for Joe as both VP and Senator in 2000, but that's because I have a policy of voting for Democrats. It's a little something called party loyalty that's as foreign to Joe Lieberman as core Democratic values.

Just give Joe his soapbox, wind him up, and watch him squawk.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Movin on Down

For the first time in four years, I have moved. Karla, Otis and I have relocated down to the heart of the Mission in San Francisco, a block away from an amazing park, world-class restaurants, and a couple of weird old ladies across the street who sell fishing rods on the sidewalk. We're also within a five-minute walk of the best burrito and quesadilla in SF, as well as one of my top four bars: Zeitgeist. (Rounding out the top four: Lucky 13, Gold Dust Lounge (featuring rock-bottom Happy Hours and Johnny Z and the Camaros after 8:30), and Mr. Bing's.)

Due to the rushed nature of our departure (more on that when a couple of issues get wrapped up), we saw the place Thursday, took it on Friday, and moved in on Saturday. Major props to Lil Dude and James "Truck" Hamilton for doing a heavy move on extraordinarily short notice. They earned every ounce of pizza, beer, and personal adulation received - with interest!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The Kiss of Love