Friday, July 29, 2005

But Losers Are Better Than Jerks

This editorial really got my blood boiling. It basically reinforces my theory that the Republicans are lying their asses off about torture in Iraq/Cuba, with the benefit of being generated by a slightly more respected and neutral party.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Left Wing Losers

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton proposed that the Democratic Party stop squabbling and unite in order to be a stronger force in American politics. An excellent point in my book, as, continual Bush blunders aside, the Democrats keep getting their ass beat in elections. So why not come with a united, strong front that can finally chip away at the Republican Fear Machinery?

Instead, left-wing nutjobs complain, complain, complain. They're worried about sacrificing their ideals, that evil corporations will take over the world, that an endangered animal may occasionally die, that people will continue driving places in cars that use gas. And while that's obviously a parody of the left wing, their very real and meaningful complaints (Iraq, Rove, abortion) get lost in the unrealistic and unbending positions some of these left-wingers take on trivial positions.

Simply put, these people don't understand the importance of WINNING.

When I was working for slave wages at the Washington State Democrats, I repeatedly heard our chairman tell large crowds of people that his job was to get more Democrats elected. Wait a second, I thought, isn't your job to promote the Democratic party platform and build on Democratic traditions of supporting working families, the old, the poor and the homeless?

The truth is, you can't do any of that unless you win. When you win, you set the rules. You can select Supreme Court judges. You can cut money from PBS's budget. You can start wars on a lie. You have the spotlight and the megaphone and hopefully a nice tap dance routine. But you need to win. You can work towards improving environmental policies and shoring up business regulations -- but only when you win.

Furthermore I'm sickened by constant super-liberals' attacks on corporations. "They're inhumane," they say, "they exploit workers and screw everybody to make money." Occasionally, that's true. But corporations provide jobs, provide useful products for fair prices, and make life better for the vast majority of people. Think you could get a flight to Japan for $500 without corporations? Think you could get In-N-Out Burger for $5 without corporations? You're dreaming. Besides, most companies fail--starting one is a risky proposition. And what most uberliberals forget is that successful corporation was once just a few people and an idea that, through hard work and luck, WON the battle of the marketplace.

Liberals, celebrate winning. Yelling epithets from the sideline does no good. Listen to Hillary, unite, and win back the country please.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Mom, Did You Take My Stash?

Yet another reason to carry-on.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

New Car Tour De California


The new ride not only has a sunroof but can make it to Santa Cruz and back via the scenic route for well under a tank of gas. It also provided comfortable seating for Wedding Crashers at the San Jose Drive-In, which was a lovely venue but a horrendously disappointing movie, especially considering that Hansel was teamed up with the star of the best music video nobody's ever seen. (Props to shmoil for finding this place a couple years ago, when we got in for free for a far better film but with nasty Vietnamese food aftereffects).

Friday, July 22, 2005

Name Game

This week, a group of Indians won another chance to revoke the Washington Redskins' name.

Growing up an ardent Redskins supporter, I enjoyed the fruits of two dominant Super Bowl wins and owned a number of Redskins-labeled gear. For the many years in this playoff-bound utopia, the idea of changing the name of the best team in the entire universe seemed laughable. But now, as an adult, I realize that they absolutely should change it. It's racist. It's offensive. It underscores the Redskins' history of being the last pro football team to integrate. And I have a fabulous alternative.

The Washington Warriors!

Keep the logo, keep the band (and song), keep the colors, keep everything except the name. They're still Indians, they're still mediocre, they're still owned by an idiot -- but now they've got alliteration on their side and a little moral high ground for once. What's to lose?

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Had Enough of My Crap?

Blow it up!

Gotta Have It

I've never pre-ordered a book before. But I just might for this one.

The Cat's Meow

Last night, I went to the Annual SPCA Volunteer Banquet at the California Culinary Academy. For those of you not up to speed on my volunteer work, once a month the dog and I visit area hospitals, nursing homes and psycho wards (aka loony bins) and Otis does some tricks and gets petted as part of the Animal Assistant Therapy program. Known to some as "Licking Retards," this is about the easiest volunteer work one can do. Most people just happy for attention, lots of people tell me stories about their dogs, some people cry, and now and then they try to eat Otis's dog food. Some have succeeded.

Now, compared to most SPCA volunteers, my hour a month is nothing. A guy at my table used to volunteer 60-70 hours a MONTH; now that he's working more, he's down to 20-30. Several people had moved so their pets would be more comfortable, and several recounted various injuries they'd endured in the line of duty. I like to think I'm a good dog owner (or guardian, as we're known as in SF), but I'm definitely not of the insane yell-at-the-coach-for-not-putting-my-kid-in ilk that these guys are.

The Banquet was about as San Francisco-ridiculous as you can get. Imagine a room full of cat and dog loving lunatics, consider their combined social problems, and you'll get the picture. The menu was vegan, which most people aren't really into...however, last year they had a really good butternut lasagna, so I held high hopes that we'd get something interesting and delicious. Alas, we got this tiny stack of beets in tomato sauce that tasted like cardboard. The speeches were also ridiculous, with one speaker openly crying on the mic, numerous silly comparisons of the SFSPCA to Gandhi and other heroes, and the Chairman of the Board declaring that "there is no other humane organization in the world like the San Francisco SPCA." I was careful to select a table in the back, though, and I got out of there while the speeches were still droning on.

Not that anything's wrong with the SPCA folks; they're very compassionate and giving. They're just weird as hell too.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

At Least He's a Democrat

The worst draft pick in Redskins history, Heath Shuler, is running for Congress in North Cackalacka. Many of you will remember Heath Shuler as the guy who lost his starting job to Gus Frerotte, who celebrated the promotion by ramming his head into the wall after scoring a touchdown.

What a bunch of idiots. Yet another reason why I don't live in North Carolina.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Catherine the Great

This is the weirdest thing I've read in a while.

My New Favorite Columnist

E.J. Dionne wrote an interesting piece in the Washington Post today declaring that Democrats and liberals don't flaunt the successes of their programs enough. Ain't that the truth? I can remember Bill Clinton's standard stump speech (11 million new jobs, 100,000 more police on the streets, better health care, etc) and remember thinking: wow, this is WORKING.

Two thoughts on that:
1. If Bill Clinton's way works so well, why do people vote the other way? Fear? Religion? Lower taxes? Drugs?
2. The government needs to be more user friendly. We should be able to do our taxes online directly and not have to pay an outside source. Working through the CNS (INS) shouldn't be a pain in the ass. People shouldn't fear the DMV. Those are the rare instances in which most people actually interact with the government, and when we get the slack-jawed unhelpful idiot on our case it reinforces the image that the government is huge, dumb and inefficient.

Actually, this year I had a question about my taxes and I called the IRS. I was on hold for a long time, but when I actually got somebody she was very nice and thorough and helped me figure things out. Then again, she might have been singing a different tune if I told her about the crack and hookers ring I'm running down in the basement.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Steeler Babe Magnet

A guy in Pittsburgh just got busted for impersonating Steeler quarterbacks to get dates. Obviously these women aren't big football fans if they can believe this shlump is a professional QB.

I can think of a ton of puns here - going long, scoring touchdowns, tight ends, wide receivers - so pick your favorite and run with it.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Would You Buy a Car From This Man?

Because I did yesterday! A 2005 Pontiac Vibe, in Salsa color (aka red).

I never thought I'd buy a GM vehicle, but seeing as the Vibe is made with Toyota parts and GM has a sick sale going on these days, I got in the mix. Pictures of the megaroad trip to be held next weekend to follow.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Car Stats

I just ran a Carfax report on my beautiful Mazda hatchback. Alarmingly, the site said that it had had at LEAST 4 owners, whereas I was under the impression that it had only been me and a little old lady.

Then I checked the details and realized that every time I reregistered the car (moving to CA, getting a new title after I got in an accident) I was counted as a new owner. Weird...

Here are the details...if anybody wants this puppy, send me an offer. Gets great mileage and fits into any parking spot in the universe.

(Deleted this - made the whole page look stupid on Explorer (but not Firefox!))

Friday, July 15, 2005

Killer App

Try Google Earth. It's out of this world!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Hillary the Sell-Out?

Is Hillary triangulating a little too much? The NYTimes has an interesting article about her surprising move in the rightward direction.

As for me, whatever it takes for a Democrat to win, I'm all for it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Do These Amuse Anybody Else?

Not that I really care. I love em.

Dispatches from the SF Park Police Station:

Felon in Possession of Handgun Arrested

Friday, July 8, 2005; 10:32 PM; 1600 Block of Eddy Street

A Northern Station Police plainclothes unit heard three shots. They drove down the block to check out this sound report. The Officers observed a known drug dealer who was alleged to be responsible for a homicide committed a few months ago. The nefarious criminal on seeing the unmarked police vehicle approach made a furtive move (meaning suspicious as hell) stepping side ways like a crab removing a black semi-auto handgun from his front waistband and casually tossing it into the open window of a parked vehicle occupied by two women. The Officers exited their vehicle to confront the not so cool "hot-potato" player who figured correctly that the gig was up and ran to beat the band from the scene of his stupidity. After a very dramatic two-block foot chase which ended in an old fashion field tackle, surrounded by several neighbors concerned why the police were treating the man like a criminal. Back at the young lady's car, the police found her waiting for their return to advise the Officers they had every reason to chase that bad man who threw a gun into her parked car, and her sister added "I hope you put him away for a long time". Hopefully her wish will be realized but that decision does not rest with us.

Death at the Hospital

Saturday, July 9, 2005; 2:15 AM; 50 Castro Street

We normally do not report the numerous cases we are sent on to investigate the passing of a fellow human, but this one has too much irony in the telling to pass up. One of our midnight cars received a call that hospital security that while doing his rounds found a body on the campus walkway. The Officers' investigation revealed that a 55-year old homeless man who had been released from the hospital had walked out of the emergency clinic's front door and got approximately 50 feet away before keeling over dead. It seems the man entered shortly before his demise desiring medical attention and was cleaned up, fed and released in supposedly good health. No further comment!

Man Wanted for Possession of a Deadly Weapon Arrested

Saturday, July 9, 2005; 7:30 AM; Eddy and Scott Street

One of our older hawk-eye Day Watch Officers spotted a known dangerous felon who was wanted on a felony warrant for his second bench warrant for probation revocation on convicted charges of carrying a dangerous concealed weapon and another warrant for narcotics violations. The Officer first confirmed the warrants then politely advised the resident of this neighborhood of his current legal entanglements and they both drove down to Park Station to address the matter. Now that's how it's done by the older generation Officer, none of this running for blocks and doing open field tackles. Not that old hawk-eye couldn't still catch them; it's just a different approach.

Rocket Power

My high school was recently ranked the eleventh best high school in the country by The Washington Post/Newsweek.

It's kind of a bogus system as they, for various reasons, don't calculate how well students actually perform on tests and don't count schools with over half magnet/high-score students--which is why RMHS, which is about a third nerd and two-thirds ghetto, fits nicely on the list.

Of course, we were fourth back when I went there...

Squashing Turd Blosson

It looks like Fat Head Rove might be getting what he deserves...a brutal public slaying.

It also looks like Bush might get away with another impeachable offense, judging from the lameness of the Democratic response. Top Dem Harry Reid said "I trust they will follow through on this pledge [to fire people involved in the Plame outing]." Said Hillary C., when lame-duck John Kerry got a teensy bit angry about this disgusting abuse of executive power, "I'm nodding." Come on, Democrats! Snore me to death! Call for heads! Get angry! They lied about this and they're still lying: attack with murder in your eyes!

Notably, the NYTimes and Washington Post did NOT editorialize on this, in favor of hard-hitting topics like architecture and panda birthday greetings. Hopefully tomorrow we'll see how the editorial boards weigh in on the summertime weather and All-Star game results.

Monday, July 11, 2005

The Colors of Cities

To me, cities have a certain identifying colors, largely based on architecture and climate. New York is gray. San Francisco and Washington are white. Boston and Madrid are red (although Boston's a brick red and Madrid is a full, Spanish red). Los Angeles is yellow -- yellow air, yellow sand. Seattle is green, Tokyo black.

I wonder if that affects people somehow. I love living in white, warm-colored San Francisco because it makes me feel new and fresh; New York makes me feel more serious and a little dirty. In Los Angeles I've always felt a little stuck (yellow light?), whereas green Seattle feels beautiful, isolated, and irrelevant (rural?). Boston feels formal while Madrid felt HOT (but I was there in the summer).

I bet somebody somewhere has done a study on this...

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Way to Go

When I die, send me out like this.

Although a cameo by Guns N Roses might make a nice addition.

You Want Dumplings With That?

Danny Way jumped his skateboard over the Great Wall of China today, ripping some 360s in the process. My question: could they see it from space?

Also interesting is that the Chinese minister of extreme sports was in attendance. Say what you will about communism, it can't be all that bad if they've got ministers of extreme sports arranging massive stunts.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Classics

Last night on my way home from work I stopped off at a local lemonade stand for a pull of the yellow stuff. I stopped to chat with the enterprising fourth-grade girls running the joint, who were raising money for their horse camp one quarter at a time. It's weird for men my age to talk to young girls without feeling like parents are sizing us up for pedophilic habits, so it was kind of nice to remember how to talk to kids.

It's been a busy couple of weeks for classics, especially in terms of entertainment. Two weeks ago, I went to see Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf at the Actor's Theater of San Francisco. I had low expectations, as I've never liked Virginia Woolf (although it's been a decade since I've read her) and I knew the story was about four people in one room drinking. The theater looked like a total dump too: nobody greeted us on the ground floor, and we wound through some rundown, musty furnishings and climbed a flight of decrepit stairs (with no directions) to find the theater. Before the show, the MC made a spirited pitch for fundraising (pretty cool actually, for just $25 you get listed in the program all year). Needless to say, the play has little to do with Virginia Woolf, the actors were phenomenal; it was one of the best plays I've ever seen. The dialogue is the stuff to aspire to, and the constant lying held me rapt. It was voted in as the Pulitzer winner the year it came out (1963 I think), but they refused to hand out the award to such a sacriligeous play and instead nobody won. If you haven't seen it and it's around, it's worth it.

The same week, I read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I've learned that this is generally considered The Catcher in the Rye from a female perspective, although somehow I'd managed never to hear of the book until six months ago. I read some Sylvia poems in high school and they were mostly downers, but this book, while dealing with non-uppers like mental illness and suicide, was hilarious and fascinating. It made an unsympathetic character -- a privileged, overachieving, inconsiderate young women -- compelling and interesting. Anyway, I burned through this one in three days, so that's a revealing sign of a good read.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Overlooked

It's been a busy news week -- the Olympics, terrorists, in London worm racing, the fall of the 40 mph barrier. So it's easy to understand that this piece detailing how Bush took out a bobby in Scotland on his bike didn't make the front page.

Can you believe this guy and the bike? Everytime something happens, the bike is nearby and lurking. How the hell did the presidential bike end up in Scotland? Does he pack it on all of his trips or is one provided for him? Who's in charge of remembering the bike? Oiling it? Gauging tire pressure? Has George ever cracked the 40 mph barrier? (probably, as he can ride anywhere he wants without pesky traffic, unless you count those police officer obstacles guarding the grounds)

One might say that George's handling of his bicycle is similar to how he handles the country -- unaimed and destructive.

A Barrier Has Fallen

I hit 41.1 mph on the way in on my bike. It felt gooooood.

50 mph, here I come!

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Is Impeachment That Far Off

If 42% of Americans support it?

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Herminator


The champs enjoy a smile and a few extra moments before becoming bait, respectively.

A Champion Is Born

This fourth of July weekend, the babe and I competed in the International Worm Races in Clearlake, CA. Clear Lake (two words, not to be confused with the town, Clearlake, one word), is billed as the largest natural freshwater lake within California and possibly the oldest lake in North America. I found this hard to believe, as Tahoe is notoriously humongous, but maybe when Tahoe's parceled out between Nevada and California the resultant hunk of water is less...either way, they have worm races on an international level, and once I found out there was no way I could miss it.

We arrived around noon, after stopping on the way to visit the Old Faithful Geyer of California. But wait a second, you say, isn't Old Faithful in Yellowstone? In a word: yes. However, these crazy Californians are piggybacking on that geyser's international fame with a similarly named, smaller but no less impressive geyser that's much more conveniently located to where I live. Also, this one had a pen of fainting goats and llamas on the property that's guaranteed to make your dog go nuts.


On the way into Clearlake I counted three Confederate flags and about thirty trailers. It was shaping up to be a King of the Hill kind of day. The Clearlake 4th of July festivities were pretty cool though: antique car showcase, cheap beer, some absolutely gut-twisting carnival rides, and plenty of sunburns. We immediately found the worm races, slapped down our entry fee ($3, or $5 for 2) and got down to business.

It works like this: pick a worm out of the dirt, clean it off in the bucket of water, and then put it in the middle of a table with concentric circles drawn on it (kind of like an archery target). The first worm all the way over the last line and out of the circles wins.

The first go, we both lost. However, the second time around, Karla's worm, Herman, creamed not only my worm but also the worms of two nicish but strangish Mormon missionaries. On to the finals! Karla won her heat in the finals in exciting fashion, with Herman opting for the UNDERNEATH move to slink by logjammed worms and on to victory. In the over-18 championship, Herman managed to hang on for third place, although he stopped with his tail on the finish line for about a minute and a half and only eventually moved because of intense encouragement from the crowd. Karla also had the full force of her heritage on her side, because these were Canadian nightcrawlers and her excessive politeness obviously was a motivating factor.

In the end, Karla went home with a 3rd place trophy, warm memories, and the respect of her peers. She also was interviewed twice by the local PA system handler, in which she divulged that Herman was prodded along in part by threats to cut him in half if he lost. Picture of Karla and Herman to follow!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Clearlake Independence Day Greetings















From the hottest damn dog this side of the LBC.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Fun Sandra Day O'Connor Fact

I once cleared her plate when I was working as a caterer.

I didn't always like Sandy D's decisions when she went the wrong way. But she sure was better than whoever the next guy's gonna be.

Holiday Reminder


It's Canada Day everybody! Go out and get liquored up!