Inner City Skiing

Today San Francisco is holding a massive ski jump on Fillmore Street. Very awesome, as it's over 70 degrees out and there hasn't been snow in this town since the Ice Age.

But I have to question the timing. A Thursday afternoon? About 1/10 the people who'd like to go can actually make it to this thing due to an unfortunate condition called "work." This was done to kowtow to rich neighbors who don't want their driveways blocked off. The whole event was supposed to be in August, but was pushed back because some friends of the mayor were getting married nearby.

This is a rare instance of San Francisco being lame. Next year, put this puppy on the weekend so the rest of us can go see. (Although the event is also being televised on MTV!)

Billboard Improvement

I was sitting at a red light in the Mission yesterday when something unusual caught my eye. It was a billboard for the new Nicolas Cage movie Lord of War...but something was off.

I couldn't stop laughing for the next three blocks. If anybody in San Francisco wants to check out this beauty, go to Valencia and Duboce - it's right above Zeitgeist (is that any surprise?).

*The Billboard Liberation Front is suspected in this subversive activity, but has not yet claimed responsibility.

Birthday Memory Device (Non Promotional)

This is a major week for birthdays. My mom, my girlfriend, and a couple other friends all have birthdays this week. (Specific dates withheld because my brother can't remember my mom's birthday.) Obviously, with a big week it's pretty easy to remember everybody.

But let's face it -- I have no idea when most of my friends celebrate their birthdays. If they live near me we'll probably go out, but if they're one of those see-you-every-year-or-so friends it's impossible to keep it all straight.

I don't hold it against my far-away buds for not calling on my bday and they don't hold it against me. But still, it'd be nice to keep track of all that. My hot new tip is to use friendster as a friend directory-- it lists everybody's bday and even puts up a little cake graphic when you're getting close. Plus, if you know me or are a famous literary agent willing to get me loads of cash, you can be my friend!

**This message not paid for by Friendster. I would, however, like to be paid.**

20% More Viewing Power!

After a late night of sushi and cocktails on Saturday evening, I returned home and watched a little cool-down television. A little tipsy, I flipped through the channels, from Fox, to Kron4, to CBS, to ABC, to PBS. Generally, that's the end of my universe; those are all the channels I get. Maybe it was the booze, maybe I was feeling a little crazy. But instead of flipping back down, I went up into no man's land.

What a shock: for the first time in my life, NBC11 was reasonably visible. Some static, some fuzz, but entirely watchable.

In San Francisco, as many of you know, NBC11 is not visible on regular noncable television. As such, I haven't watched NBC in three years--and aside from The Apprentice, Olympics, and Conan, haven't missed a thing. Let's face it, if there's a channel not to have, it's NBC. No sports, no go-to shows, only (on a regular basis) Conan, and I don't stay up that late very much.

What will happen? Will NBC revitalize my flagging interest in television or will it be swept into the dustbin of history? Stay tuned for more...

Down With Palestine

I'm not one to post twice in ten minutes frequently, but this article really pissed me off.

Over the past 24 hours, here's what happened in Gaza:

1. Some idiot Palestinians accidentally blew up other, innocent Palestinians inside Gaza.
2. A bunch of terrorists decided to pretend that ISRAEL had led that attack, rather than the Palestinians that everybody said led the attack. As such, they fired missiles into Israel, wounding civilians.
3. Not a country to stand for being attacked, much less for something they didn't do, Israel led airstrikes into Gaza. Through targeted attacks, two confirmed terrorists were killed.
4. The subsequent quote from Hamas:

"This was an Israeli massacre," Sami Abu Zohri, a Hamas spokesman in Gaza, said of Friday's explosion. "They are continuing their aggression against our people inside this liberated area, so we will keep our right to fight the occupation. We can assure them that as long as the Israeli aggression continues, inside and outside of Gaza, the resistance will continue in those areas as well."

I can't understand how Americans could be on the side of the Palestinians, now or ever. Palestinians attack civilians; Israelis attack legitimate terrorist targets. Palestinian democracy is limp at best; Israel has been a democracy for all of its existence. Israel made concessions to get out of Gaza that they didn't have to do, without violence, ahead of schedule; in response, Palestinians held military parades and promised to take over the rest of Israel rather than saying thanks and pledging to make peace. Plus Arafat was a huge liar and jerk (although I guess I can't beat that horse any more).

I'm sick and tired of people in the Bay Area being pro-Palestinian because they see Palestinian kids getting killed on the news. We all agree, that is not right; I'll be the first to admit that sometimes the Israeli army goes too far. Thrown stones do not equal bullets. But the general Bay Area ignorance of the bigger issues, the kind of fight going on here, the irrational Palestinian arguments, the legacy of the Holocaust--and then hearing about this latest sham by the Palestinians--makes me want to break things.

This is the real reason for 9/11. Not Iraq. Not "weapons of mass destruction." The existence of Israel in the face of Muslim fundamentalism. This is what matters. This is what needs to be solved.

Five Damn Days, Five Long Days

Cruising around town today and listening to local underground radio station KPOO (I did NOT make those call letters up), I heard a hilarious remix of Kanye West's Gold Digger song called "George Bush Don't Like Black People." Definitely listen -- the flow about helicopters and looting is sadly great.

Kind of reminds me of the DC rap stations growing up, when they'd take a famous song and do a Redskins rap about whoever their opponent was that week. The major difference of course is that the Redskins raps were all fun and happy whereas the new song is angry and sad -- and accurately reflects how most people feel about the federal response to Katrina.

Audio here, video here (where you can also buy a "Bush Doesn't Care About Black People" t-shirt!).

The Master of the Universe

Is Oprah Winfrey.

The book world is all atwitter because Oprah is now featuring contemporary books on the show again. This is a huge deal, because each book she features instantly sells a million copies and the author is set for life. Recently she'd turned to a "dead author only" policy, which made for less interesting interviews and fewer financial benefits to people who can actually spend it.

It's crazy how huge Oprah is. Women love her, they Tivo the show, they buy the magazines, they do what she says. Oprah made Dr. Phil, she beat the beef industry, and she almost killed a fancy French retailer. When I was in Guyana, Oprah was every woman's role model. In the PR world (of which I am a part of), getting a product on Oprah is like winning the lottery. Yesterday somebody at my office actually got through to a producer at Oprah and was on Cloud 9 for the rest of the day.

It's a little scary that an army of middle-aged women is ready to leap to do Oprah's bidding. But I guess she's better than Howard Stern (not from an entertainment standpoint, of course, but in terms of controlling the minds of Americans).

Why the Hell Not?

To my one Texan reader out there -- vote for Kinky Friedman in 2006!

And for everybody, watch this animated commercial. It is easily the best political ad ever made.

Sign Me Up!

The Bush Administration is starting up a Porn Squad to squash the rampant use of pornography.

I immediately present my services. Obviously, this sounds like a sticky situation. Fortunately, with my years of experience, I believe I can single-handedly do some undercover work that will encompass a thorough review of the offending materials. Although clean-up will be required.

First Place in the NFC East

It's hard to get excited about the Redskins these days. But:

1. Beating Dallas
2. In Dallas
3. 14-13
4. On Monday Night
5. On the day that Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin were honored at Texas Stadium
6. After being down 13-0 with six minutes left
7. And winning on a 70-yard touchdown pass

IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Worst Place to Be During an Earthquake

Has gotta be the shower. I was thinking about this last night -- where else are you more vulnerable? You're naked, you're on a slippery surface, you're not really paying attention -- if the house collapses you're screwed. Plus, who wants shampoo still in their hair for days to come? That's a fashion faux pas if I've ever heard one.

With Katrina going down the way it has, thoughts in the Bay Area have turned to earthquake preparedness. I did my part by picking up a crowbar yesterday (and amusing the clerk at the hardware store by saying "I can't wait to find those punk kids!"), presumably to peel my way through debris. A three-day supply of water and plenty of hard tack will be stockpiled in the near future.

Send Them Home

I've usually taken the Howard Dean position on the Iraq War -- it was a stupid, ridiculous, lie of a war to get into, but now that we're in we need to stay there until some governing institutions are put in place.

I've changed my mind. I saw a piece on 60 Minutes today about life in Iraq, and it truly sucks. Saddam was terrible but at least things were stable. Iraqis are scared out of their mind, they wait seven hours to get gas, they're being blown up by insurgents at every turn. And it's because of the American occupation. One Iraqi compared Saddam to a high fever and the occupation/insurgence to death. A high fever is preferable to death, but what's wrong with a couple days of regular health now and then?

We've either gotta do something as a military and install some law and order, or get the hell out and at least let the Iraqis deal with it on their own terms. Seeing as this government is incapable of keeping the peace in trouble spots, whether it be Afghanistan, Iraq, or New Orleans, and things are only getting worse, we should leave now. Immediately. Today.

I'm just happy I'll probably be out of drafting age before W starts the next war against Iran.

Proulx v. Orringer

Last night I went to a Paris Review reading featuring Annie Proulx and Julie Orringer. I don't know much abour Orringer, but Annie Proulx is one of my favorite authors, with The Shipping News and Postcards ranking among my favorite books of all time, and That Old Ace in the Hole being pretty good by a regular author, but simply not up to Proulx standards.

For example, here are the first two paragraphs of The Shipping News:

Here is an account of a few years in the life of Quoyle, born in Brooklyn and raised in a shuffle of dreary upstate towns.

Hive-spangled, gut roaring with gas and cramp, he survived childhood; at the state university, hand clapped over his chin, he camouflaged torment with smiles and silence. Stumbled through his twenties and into his thirties learning to separate his feelings from his life, counting on nothing. He ate prodigiously, liked a ham knuckle, buttered spuds.

It gets better.

The format of the reading was exceedingly formal: each author read for a while, then four canned questions to both of them, then a book signing. Orringer went first. It may have been the longest 20 minutes of my life, some story about insecure women laden with cliches and boring. Then Annie Proulx came on.

She's an old lady, kinda fat, butch haircut -- looks like a Midwest grandma. She kicked ass.

Her story was interesting, with a plot and action and people worth caring about. The thematic emphasis was subtle, not bludgeoned (a la J.O.). It was hilarious and a little bit sad. I paid attention to the whole thing. And, best of all, she did voices for all the characters.

In short, if you're looking for something to read, buy an Annie Proulx book. They're amazing.

On a related note, Annie Proulx is renowned for giving her characters ridiculous names. Some examples: Quoyle, Ace Crouch, Ed Punch, Al Catalog, Janice Foxley. The names are generally ridiculous, as you can see--but recently I've noticed that there are some crazy names out there. Here are a few actual names I've encountered lately:

Orbelle Poco (male)
Zeb Ripple
Mike Vanderslice

and the best of them all
Shaquille O'Neal

Joke of the Day

What is George Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

He doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

A Sport More Interesting Off the Court

Big Dikembe Mutumbo is visiting Yale this month to tour the med school and give a speech. Now presumably Deke could tour any decent hospital in the US and come away with a similar understanding of how it works. Why Yale? A. Prestige (that gets everybody). B. 8-foot-long beds?

In other NBA news, Shaquille O'Neal collared a homophobe down on Miami Beach the other day. Although the reports say otherwise, my hunch is that Diesel threatened to take it to the hole on the guy if he didn't turn himself in.

Reassuring Words From Salman

I asked Salman Rushdie a question today on a Washington Post Chat:

San Francisco, Calif.: Mr. Rushdie, thanks for being here.

Most of your work is noted for its over-the-top style, wild wordplay, and drawn-out, boiling-over expressions. Personally, I love these stylistic flourishes -- it's a major part of what draws me to your work -- but I was curious as to how you settled in on this distinct style. Did you ever experiment with more-restrained writing styles? Did you decide to write in your current style out of personal preference, appropriateness for your stories or some other reasoning?
In short, how did you find your voice?

Thanks,
-an aspiring writer

Salman Rushdie: I found my voice with difficulty. It took me over 12 years of struggle. I'm not sure about yr over-the-top description, but it feels like me to me. That's what you need to find: the sentences that sound like you to you, that are nobody's sentences but your own.

A Mistake!

George Bush today took responsibility for the post-Katrina blunders by the federales.

Honestly, this is tough to believe. This is a guy who said last year that he hadn't made a mistake since 9/11, even as Iraq was getting worse and worse and Abu Ghraib was getting more and more disgusting.

So I guess this is a good first step -- better late then never applies to accountability too. Now let's talk about the tax code and Iraq, George -- made any mistakes there lately? And what about solutions?

Trump Nasty

Donald Trump's letter to the New York Times Book Review is one of the funniest things I've read this year.

Dude Loves Bootsy

Last night I saw George Clinton and his P-Funk crew down at the legendary Fillmore for a P-Funk Nation Celebration. I've seen the Funk like seven times now (several times for free) so going to see the band was not my primary draw.

However, this time George was reunited with the original bassist of P-Funk, and former James Brown bassist - Bootsy Collins! And man, Bootsy was AWESOME! He took over the mic and got funkdidiliastic, and he and George got seriously emotional up there.

And then, after a half-hour on stage, Bootsy left. Three more hours of P-Funk with NO BOOTSY. It was either ego or money or both, but either way Bootsy left waaay to early. Which is precisely why I will never again pay $60 for a concert.

(P-Funk by itself is still a great show and George Clinton was astoundingly limber for 65. But Dude loves Bootsy!)

Piss Dinner

Yet another reason to be happy you don't live in China.

Stolen Word

I stole this from Remove Republicans, but it's too good to pass up. Again I'm left wondering how any sane person voted for George W. Bush.

What Was the First Thing You Did After the Hurricane Hit?

- Condi Rice: Took in Spamalot! on Broadway; went shoe shopping;
forced the removal of a passerby who yelled, "How dare you shop
for shoes while thousands are dying and homeless!"; practiced her
serve with Monica Seles.

- George Bush: Ate cake for John McCain's 69th birthday; gave a
pro-war speech in San Diego; peeked at New Orleans from Air Force
One; finally visited the Gulf a full 5 days later.

- Dick Cheney: Went fishing; bought a $2.9 million mansion on
Chesapeake Bay.

- Al Gore: Arranged for an airlift of supplies; helped unpack the
boxes of water and medical equipment; declined to hold a press
conference or speak to reporters as to not make the event seem
political.

Black Rock City Photoscape

Welcome to chaos!!!

The team. Yes, it was a bachelor party.

Tim Burton actually did not design this one.

Believe it or not, NOT ON DRUGS!
I hope she remembered suntan lotion....

One of a zillion crazy mutant vehicles. A few days later I saw Joan Baez sing Amazing Grace from this bus in a powerful service for New Orleans. It was the most moving thing I saw at Burning Man, with an amazing sermon delivered by a highly effective (if left-wing nutjob) psuedo-preacher and an entire brass band playing in the top of the bus. If church were that good, I'd go.

Being abstract art.

We could never find the Little Skinny Pussy Camp, so we had to settle for this one.

The Man burns.

What the Flip?

Lots of people outside of the Bay Area aren't familiar with Burning Man. Now that I've gone, I have a lot of trouble describing it myself (other than to say it's like living in Mad Max/the California Love video/a Dali painting for a few days).

I'm tackling the problem in three ways.

One - I'm pawning you off to the SF Chronicle's very thorough site, which includes some fabulous video and images.

Two - I'll post some pictures later on, just as soon as Walgreen's gets done processing my disposable cameras.

Three - I'll throw in a few anecdotes about my favorite moments periodically. The funniest moment came at 3 a.m. when I was watching a very serious pole dancing routine performed by a 40-year-old couple. The crowd was very somber and respectful -- until a guy in an inflatable fat suit charged the stage, bounced the serious dancers off, and proceeded to pole dance himself. The suit soon deflated, but the guy was AWESOME!

We Are the Weirdos

Michael Jackson is back with a new ensemble song for the hurricane victims a la We Are the World. Fine idea, but I'd be shocked if anybody hip in today's music world will come within ten miles of the guy. (Not that I know who's hip; call it a hunch.) I remember how the Gloved One did the same thing for 9/11, but the song was never really released due to baloney record company disputes.

If things couldn't get any weirder, MJ's also living in the Middle East and "bulking up" to look more macho, apparently under the delusion that his image is repairable.

He's Back

Barry Bonds is slated to come back this week, so I'm picking the Giants to win the NL West.

Best section from the Chronicle's article:

Later, Bonds spent 15 minutes in the indoor batting cage and then hit on the field with the team. He took three turns in the cage, swung 17 times and hit five balls over the fence.

Uh, I know this is batting practice, but that's a pretty good HR ratio. There's even a reasonably good chance no steroids were involved.

Fourth Quarter Lorr

I'm back from Burning Man but far from rested or coherent, so today I'd instead like to give a shout out to my oldest friend, Ben Lorr.

In early August, Ben took off on his bicycle by himself from New York City. His direction: west. His goal: unknown. A few weeks ago I received a call from Ben from Cincinnati - suffering from an incredibly sore ass, he hoped to make it to Denver. Then ten days ago he called from the Utah/Nevada border with his sights set on San Francisco. Last Wednesday he was in Carson City, Nevada, and, while I was in remote Nevada living a Dali painting, he made it to San Francisco. The hemorrhoids, presumably, were fist-sized.

That's 2700 miles, on his bike, by himself. Crazy, insane - but inherently awesome. Here's to you, Ben!

(Ben was also known as "Fourth Quarter" Lorr in high school due to his tendency to arrive at high school basketball games in the fourth quarter, thereby dodging the $2 admission fee as well as boring, noncritical play. "Ben Lorr with the Yellow Door" was also popular for a while, as he spraypainted his door yellow with images of dudes smoking doobies.)

Fireworks

This is a pretty awesome article about Hunter S. Thompson's funeral.

Idiot Money

So I bellied up to the table and donated some money to The Salvation Army to deal with the hurricane mess. But I'm kind of rethinking it now. Because let's face it -- 98% of the people who DIDN'T evacuate when instructed were being hard-headed, ignorant or (mostly) just plain stupid.

First the exceptions, which I estimate to be 0.1% of the general population: People who were incapacitated. Really old people with no family and don't know anybody with a car. People who don't know how to use the phone or internet to check the bus schedule. These few people, while they offer compelling personal stories, were few in number.

But let's be clear: this was NOT the tsunami. Forecasters predicted that a massive, possibly catastrophic hurricane was en route and told everybody to get the hell out of Dodge. It dominated the media, people were talking about it left and right -- everybody knew this was happening. This was no surprise wave in a country with bad infrastructure and communication networks - this was an anticipated event in the good ol' USofA. And, to their tremendous credit, 80% of the residents in New Orleans did leave town.

So where's my money going ? Presumably to pay for food and shelter for people who didn't listen to the warnings, some of whom later decided to do some looting. I realize that Katrina was a catastrophic event and that giving food and shelter in a time of need is the right thing to do, which is why I did it. But one part of me can't help but wonder if by supporting idiots there's some kind of anti-Darwin thing going on here - that I'm encouraging the Devolution of New Orleans.

Which, by the way, would be a cool name for a movie or book.