FastSouck

One of my biggest beefs with Bay Area transportation (aside from the generel ineptitude of both regional and citywide mass transit) is their toll system on the bridges. I don't have a huge problem with the tolls themselves, as even at $3-4 a pop the bridges are faster, easier and cheaper than the aforementioned mass transit. However, I am massively disappointed with the "Fast"Trak automatic transponder lanes.

As my East Coast readers know, E-ZPass is great up and down I-95 because approximately half the lanes at major toll plazas are E-ZPass only. Therefore, people with E-ZPass are rewarded for getting their act together and sail through the tolls, whereas idiots without it are forced to wait and suffer. I remember hours of agony waiting to get through the Jersey Turnpike tolls as a kid, and today it's a million times better.

However, here in California, the juggernaut known as the Bay Bridge has only TWO dedicated Fastrak lanes (out of 25 or so lanes total). Therefore, they're really hard to get to, and the whole endeavor isn't any faster than just paying in cash. A couple of weeks ago, I dropped Karla off at the Oakland airport at 6 am and waited at the toll plaza for at least 20 minutes on the way back. I was fuming.

And I am not alone, as this recent article demonstrates. So stupid!

Professor Who?

Read a story today that Harvard students are largely unhappy. And, while it's always fun to pile on the evil empire, I sympathize.

When I look back at college, I have generally favorable memories. That said, I'd never do it again. I'll never forget my first big meeting at Ezra Stiles, when my freshman advisor, legal big-shot Akhil Amar, didn't show up. I'll never forget being in huge classes with professors who never knew my name, and clearly didn't care.

That's not to say they weren't great profs, or weren't accessible if I had really tried (gone to every office hours, emailed constantly, etc). In fact, with some professors, this strategy paid off, and even got me into law school. But I was never invited to my professor's house for dinner, I never joined a professor for a drink, and no professor ever singled me out to talk about my work, to tell me I had promise, to encourage me.

Now, I'm related to a few professors myself, and I know they're busy. But college didn't have the intellectually vibrant atmosphere I was expecting, not even close. High school was far more intimate, and, in many senses, more rewarding.

After all that, I do have to thank Yale for not being hardasses about alcohol. That really loosened things up - and those people are wound tightly enough. At the end of the day, smart, realistic student policies made Yale a better place to be in my opinion (and Harvard's opinion).

A Nice Change

Last weekend, I ventured up to Tahoe for a little spring skiing. Aside from narrowly avoiding a sunburn and badly overpaying for dinner, I also engaged in numerous political discussions with my skiing companions.

Every one of us is originally from the East Coast, and every one of us was basically a Democrat - but what a difference! In San Francisco, I'm often made out to be a bloodsucking Republican due to my beliefs that homeless people, while often sick and out of luck, are often bad people or lazy or both, that not all criminals can be rehabilitated, and that the United States, although it has its flaws, is not the world's worst country.

These ski trip folks, while we disagreed on many issues, were usually rational, and spent time making their arguments factually and logically appealing rather than attempting to make me feel sorry for people. And, as a result, I often found myself changing my opinion due to well-conceived arguments. Which, refreshingly, is the basis for a healthy democracy.

This underscores the much-ballyhooed but ultimately correct assertion about San Francisco - people here are too liberal to take seriously. I never knew what a real bleeding-heart liberal was before I got here - and they annoy me just as much as the Republicans (okay, maybe not THAT much, but a lot). Reintroducing (via imported minds) intellectually accurate arguments was a breath of fresh air.

Maybe (dare I say it?) it's time to get out of this town...?

Sore Legs

I've been riding my bike to work for the past two days. For those of you at home, that's a solid 10 miles in each directions, up and down massive hills (and over the Golden Gate Bridge).

But God, it's gorgeous. And saves me about $7 a day in tolls and gas.

The Best News I've Heard in a While

TRUMP EYES JACKSON FOR LAS VEGAS GIG

Donald Trump is hoping to give troubled pop star Michael Jackson a new job -- as a resident performer in Las Vegas.

Trump's Las Vegas partners have been courting Jackson to perform at the New Frontier Hotel and Casino.

The establishment's owner Phil Ruffin and partner Jack Wishna have already spoken to the star's representatives about a long-term gig.

Trump and Ruffin are partners in Trump International Hotel & Tower, which is being built behind the New Frontier.

Trump tells Us Weekly, "Everything I do is the best, and everything Phil Ruffin does is the best, and this would be no exception."

Wishna continues, "There'd be moral clauses in the contract," adding that Jackson would draw more than the $80 million Celine Dion grossed in 2004.

Jackson has in the past reportedly been interested in performing in Las Vegas. The superstar is a frequent visitor to the city, where his parents and sister LaToya live.

The 46-year-old singer is currently on trial fighting charges be molested a teen cancer patient at his Neverland Ranch.

One Popular Mo-Fo

Check out this site to see how popular your name is.

My last name is Stewart, so you can pretty much rule out Googling myself no matter what my first name is. However, Matthew Stewart doesn't make it any easier. Both mattstewart.com and matthewstewart.com were taken eons ago, and don't forget the linebacker on the Cleveland Browns. I could throw the initials in there to nab a website but then it's too complicated and what's the point? Might as well be creative and come up with snappy, semi-trademark-infringing titles like SuperMattalica!

If you type "Matthew" into that site, you'll see that Matthew peaked at just about 1979 - when I was born! This means I've always been in classes with other Matts, and I've definitely met multiple fellow Matt Stewarts. Fortunately, I've been able to distinguish myself through my vivacious personality and dashing good looks, aye aye?

Chateau Newmark?

Just saw Craig from Craigslist.org walking out of the local coffee shop. He was sporting a goofy beret and some kind of black cape.

I know CL is somewhat socialist (in a good way) in its free posting policy, but to go all French toast on us like that? Even if it was raining and he is a local celebrity, that outfit is too ridiculous to been seen in out in public.

Is there a Madamoiselle Craig the world doesn't yet know about?

Stealing the Funny

Shmoil posted this one, but it's too damn good to not steal.

Click here, and prepare to laugh your ass off.

Even More Chilling

Read the play-by-play of the judge murder in Atlanta. This guy was calm and collected - and extraordinarily effective.

Get Your Pepper On

I'm doing a little guestblogging over at the ultra-leftwing Daily Pepper for the next few days. Tune in for the trenchant political commentary you've grown to love!

The Launch

Well, in four weeks of listening to Launch at work, I've racked up 1,332 ratings, earning the ranking of Fanatic. Not bad, but no match for 'Dean' Scott Alter, who takes the musical cake with over 10,000 rankings as a Ratings Master. My next job, starting Monday, will probably not feature expensive padded headphones as much as this one, and I'll probably lay off the Launch there.

Still, it's an awesome product. Thanks to the ratings system, which Launch uses to recommend music to me that listeners with my taste also enjoy, I've discovered that:

Life is always better with reggae.
I love Ludacris.
I don't like country as much as I thought (although I sure do like Brooks & Dunn).
Ella Fitzgerald gets old.
GNR still kick ass. As does Bobby Brown.
Alternative rock is generally terrible. Definitely don't miss HFS, or the overrated HFStival. (With the exception of punk, which roucks.)

Luck of the Irish

Just got back from the opthalmologist. Verdict - NO GLAUCOMA!

There is little in life as joyful as learning one does not have a disease. I felt fabulous. My $10 co-pay was the best ten bucks I've spent since that hooker down in Tijuana back in '99. (just kidding mom!)

Also of note, I got some cool digital printouts of my eye. Apparently my optic nerve is about twice as large as normal, which can be an indicator of glaucoma. However, for me it's a byproduct of extreme myopia (we're called "myopes" in opthalmology slang). No skin off my back; I've been told I have a lotta nerve for years. ha!

Riding my high, I bought a lottery ticket on the way to work. Hey, it's St. Paddy's Day - of all days to push my luck, this is it!

Matrisouck

When I graduated from college I put some money in the stock market, with the theory that my money would triple in a few years. I just checked in last night for the first time in a year, and I've lost a whopping 40%, largely on the failure of one hi-tech stock highly recommended to me by a Mr. Richard Lorr.

A great guy, but not the best stockpicker. Souck.

Beware

The Ides of March!

Reality Check

It is currently 83 degrees in San Francisco, not a cloud in the sky.

Tonight I fly to Michigan, where the forecast says it will be high 28 and snowing.

What I do for family!

Chilling

This nonsense going down in Atlanta right now is insane. How, in a courthouse swarmed with cops, does an alleged rapist get a gun, kill three people (including the JUDGE!) and get away?!!!

Of course, he won't get away. Nobody gets away (except Osama bin Laden). It's already been predicted in my office that he'll die in the shootout - and if he doesn't, he'll definitely get the chair. While I'm generally against the death penalty, I could make an exception for this scumbag.

The Future (and Past)

Bought a Roth IRA on Tuesday. I have to admit, it felt a little silly planning for retirement when I don't even have what could credibly be described as a career yet. Then again, it's a good fund, tax-free, and I can raid it to buy a home later on. (Of course, I'll also need a spare $200,000 to get started in SF, but a man can dream can't he?)

In other news, for those of you unaware, I'm starting another new job in a week and a half. This time I'll be a writer at a marketing firm up in Sausalito, which should provide me with some hands-on writing training as well as a challenging bike ride to and from work. Thinking back the other night, I calculated that I will have held an astouding 10 jobs since college. A stroll down memory lane anyone?

1. US Peace Corps volunteer in Guyana-started two weeks after graduation. I was an IT educator in a place without computers or classes, or much of a plan. Very nice people in Guyana (and very evil people), but I'm not an IT guy. I did have some extremely meaningful mements teaching kids about HIV/AIDS (Guyana has the second-highest infection rate in the western hemisphere) and I made some excellent friends here.

2. Delivered flowers for Valentine's Day in Seattle. Learned Seattle geography, that roses break easily, that all flower sellers use the same distributors, and that some cheapasses out there have flowers sent to their significant other on February 13 to save a few bucks.

3. Data entry and receptionist at Carpenter's Trust of Western Washington in Seattle. Amazing how many nice people work at evil insurance companies.

4. "Office Assistant" at the Neurosurgery clinic at Harborview Medical Center. I surfed the net a WHOLE lot at this one. One particularly sucky neurosurgeon used to call me to see if I'd put him on hold or not (and in my defense, what else can I do when the phone is ringing off the hook? Hold is better than not answering, right?). The catch: he was under federal indictment for screwing Medicare! Not the first crook I'd work for...

5. Worked for the Washington State Democrats putting together some fundraisers, including the historic 2002 Washington State Democratic Convention (featuring my old pal, Chris Dodd (D-CT). I learned that working cheap to stuff envelopes, even in politics, sucks the fat one. However, lots of free beer at this job - nothing wrong with that!

6. Office Manager/Research Assistant - Bonora D'Andrea Trial Consultants. I learned a lot about law here with two razor sharp experts, and also learned that I never want to file something for someone else ever again. I outgrew this one, and figured out that law school isn't for me. I can't overstate how important that was.

7. Freelancer for SF Weekly. Hell, I'm still with this one! (Big feature to hit newsstands in April/May 2005.)

8. Creative Writer, Storytime Pictures. I have to give credit to a guy I don't particularly like - he said that when he found out I'd been hired as a full-time screenwriter, he had some serious questions about the organization. Not that I don't have a lot of promise as a screenwriter, of course, but I had zero experience and didn't particularly like animation. (That, to some extent, has changed. Anybody ever seen The Emperor's New Groove? Hysterical!) Still, it's hard to believe investor funding is on the way when one's boss is a liar and a criminal. Resolved: research a company more thoroughly before believing them.

9. Editor, Onstream Media. Loved covering the NFL and Booknotes, but did you read that part back up in #1? I'm not an IT guy! However, working in "digital asset management" made for amusing acronym usage.

10. Stay tuned - the journey continues in Sausalito on March 21.

A Great Day for Writers

Yesterday was a stand-out day for some accomplices of mine in the writing community.

1. My dad signed a contract with Simon & Schuster for a nonfiction book about the Constitutional Convention. Look out NY Times Bestseller list!

2. A friend of mine, Cora Stryker (and isn't that a perfect name for an author?) was admitted to the prestigious UofIowa nonfiction writing program.

Look for the knowing-Matt luck to creep towards you...

Somebody Step on a Duck?

Even more perverted than R. Kelly or Michael Jackson, I present the common mallard.

Is There Any Feeling as Sweet

As that of stuffed sinus cavities draining?

Happened to me last night after two weeks of agony. I'm alive again!

My E-Mail to the 5-0

Dear Park Police Station,

Thanks for the regular updates, I love the pointed blend of crime and humor. However, I have a small request.

I've been dying to see Mr. 3000, the 2004 comedy starring Bernie Mac. However, every time I go to Into Video on Haight Street to check it out, it's not in. Turns out there's only one copy - and I learned tonight that the Park Police Station checked it out a couple of weeks ago. They haven't seen it since.

Could you please return this DVD to Into Video? Tens, if not hundreds, of Upper Haight residents have been deprived of 90 minutes of hilarity because you guys have been hording it. (And anyway, at this rate, it makes more sense for you guys to buy your own copy.)

Thanks,
Matt Stewart

(Note to readers: Feel free to pile on! Send emails urging the return of Mr. 3000 to SFPDParkStation@ci.sf.ca.us)

Alien Ads

Now, on craigslist, you can have your post beamed to outer space for free.

Seriously.

That's the cutting edge approach we need to keep the USofA in front of all the rest (until China gets enough money and decides to pound us into a shriveling wreck, but I digress). Read about it here.

The Valley of Death

Saw an article in the NYT today about Death Valley in spring. Which got me thinking - Death Valley is far and away the coolest national park I've ever visited.

I've been to a lot of national parks: Yellowstone, Yosemite, Zion, Arches, the Grand Canyon. (Just picked up a speeding ticket in Yosemite last weekend actually.) They're all gorgeous. But Death Valley is so hands on...the park is enormous, and you can get out of the car whereever you want. There are huge sand dunes to climb that my dog loved, old bauxite mines to look at, the lowest point in the Western Hemisphere to lie down in, gorgeous hikes, the Hubba Hubba crater (where I almost met my maker), Devil's golf course, an Indian reservation, a grove of date tress to snack on, beautiful scenery, even a castle. Just pull over whereever you want and monkey around - it's that easy! Nearby, there's an old ghost town/abstract art installation and a house made of glass bottles, and in nearby Beatty, Nevada you can get drunk and eat pizza for about $8. And go get a hooker.

Or, if you're like me, you'll settle for a matchbook from the place...I swear that was it!

The Ayatollah Speaks!

It has come to my attention that Ayatollah al-Sistani has a website. And it's totally insane!

Alas, despite extensive searching, I could not find his secret link to nudie girl pics. However, these are almost as good.

Actually, the Q&A is pretty interesting. For example, oral sex is okay as long as no swallowing occurs and everyone agrees. Surprisingly, buttsex is okay so long as the wife agrees, but it's "highly undesirable." Al doesn't mention his position on gay marriage, but he does clarify that shaking hands with girls is "not permissable." No word on whether buttsex with girls is permissable.

Another gem - and a semi-kowtow to capitalism, if not Judaism:

No: 1
Question:Is purchasing Nokia mobile allowed or not?

Answer:His permissible in it say. But if the prvfic gues to Israel, it is not allowed to purchase it.

Hero

As many of you know, I ride my bike to work. Often, in the rush of packing up for work, I forget things. My nice shoes, my lunch, my belt, my cell phone. Minor misses, but still annoying.

Today, for the first time ever, I forgot my work shirt.

I was facing the very real possibility of wearing a sweaty shirt covered by a sweaty cycling jacket when Onstream Media network guru and good guy Davin Bogan - sporting a fetching short sleeve shirt over long sleeve shirt look - gave me the shirt off his back. Thanks to him, I do not radiate a stifling scent of musk.

Davin Bogan - Urban Hero.

Turns Out All Them Fat Offensive Linemen

Really are fat.

These statistics are pretty gross. However, it turns out that this study doesn't examine muscle composition/body fat percentages. Now I'm not saying every Tre Johnson out there has a rippling eight-pack underneath their layers of blub, but this is clearly a limitation to the survey.

Does any of this matter? The NFL is number one in part because we love our fat guys. After all, T.O. may be technically overweight at 6'3", 226, but that won't keep fans like C. Stewart from voicing their homoerotic intrigue and nonstop comments that he's an "incredible physical specimen."

PS

T minus one month until the 26th Annual Birthday Extravaganza. Please begin preparations accordingly.

This year's theme is: Pay My Taxes. We ask that all gifts are in the form of a check, made out to the Internal Revenue Service.