Hitched!

Karla and I eloped on May 29 in Reno. Unbelievably, yet awesomely, I have a wife!

Massive fiesta(s) to follow....

Smarmy-ish Holiday Wishes

Including mine, are available at Opium Magazine....

Great Headline

SFGate.com had a headline today: "More Rings Found Around Uranus."

Oops I forgot to wipe!

(The headline is changed to "More Rings Are Found Around Planet Uranus" on that link, but the SFGate.com homepage had the headline above.)

The I-Word

Salon has an interesting article discussing the viability of impeachment proceedings against W. Finally, somebody's listening to me!

Best of 2005

2005 was a good year. I got a new job, car, and bike. I went to Maui, Yosemite, Tahoe, Dallas, Saratoga Springs, Clearlake, Burning Man, Reno, Monterey, Big Basin, and Shasta. I'm not in debt. I've put 1800 miles on my bike since June.

Life is good.

Best Book of 2005
(tie) The Bell Jar and Blue Ridge. The Bell Jar is a "classic" book that I managed to avoid until this year. I probably would have hated had I read it in high school, but, as a 26-year-old, I found it hilarious, stark, and true. And short! Always an attribute.

Blue Ridge is a weird little book I found on the street. It doesn't entirely make sense and the plot's a little nutty, but the language is just too fun for words. It's a carnival -- and everyone's invited!

Best Movie of 2005
Shaun of the Dead. Kind of falls apart at the end plotwise, but in terms of most laughs per minute, this was hilarious. Nothing pulls me out of a funk like a comedy, and this was the best one I saw this year. Runners up: Hero, Kung Fu Hustle.

Best Album of 2005
Wyclef Jean, Welcome to Haiti: Creole 101. I only bought three albums this year, but this one was fantastic - so long as you don't mind non-English music. In general, I find I don't care much about music these days (no longer in that critical 18-24 age group) and I may abolish this category entirely in the future and list NPR instead.

Best Political Moment of 2005
Standing up against the Bush Machine on torture. That it was so difficult to do is very embarrassing.

Best Physical Accomplishment of 2005
Completing the Napa Century and feeling really strong. New goal: complete at least one new 100-mile bike ride per year.

Best Airline of 2005
Suntrips.com. A week in Maui, a convertible, round-trip flight, and a beachfront condo for $800 baby! Great for Mexico too.

Best Food of 2005
Sushi. I used to hate seafood, but sushi--so clean! so pure! so subtle!--brought me back into the fold. Now I only hate select kinds of cooked fish. Also, pizza now gives me stomach gurgles. Ugh.

---more to come, as I think it up!

Interesting Blog Hit of the Year

Today I received a hit from "The Islamic of Iran, Irancheh, Chahar Mahall va Bakhtiari"

What were they looking for? Can you say: "super picture women"? And you know what they got? THAT CRAZY PICTURE DOWN BELOW!

Maybe when their leader stops denying the Holocaust they'll start getting better search results. And they'll know to use better search terms, like naked. Duh!

Barnes & Highly Ignoble

For months at a time, I forget how the rest of the country lives. I forget about the predominance of chain stores, the lack of restaurant options, the driving.

It took only three minutes inside Barnes & Noble today to realize what a terrible bookstore it is and feel sorry for the rest of the US. I buy my books exclusively from Amazon, for low prices, or my local bookshop, where everything looks good AND I feel good about supporting the neighborhood.

Barnes & Noble, which I haven't really visited since the ol' Yale Bookstore -- which I'm sure was jazzed up for the location -- has neither advantage. However, my secret santa at work gave me a gift card yesterday and I was determined to put it towards buying other people's presents today. Thus, I made the drive up to Larkspur, CA, one of the most personality-less places in the universe, and plunged in.

To best describe it -- Barnes & Noble was a bookstore without books. There were guides, lots of pretty pictures, books on tape, a cafe -- but very, very few non-Dan Brown books prominently displayed. Books that have won awards within the past three months were not easily visible. The clerk hadn't heard of any of the books I wanted, nor did they have them in stock. The Fiction section was in the back, by the kids section. In short, it was a bookstore for people who don't read, the people who tell the whole world that they loved the latest book that already sold three million copies and then don't read again for the next year.

Which, sadly, is most of the country.

Dream Game

As alluded to in a comment in the previous post, yesterday the Redskins annihilated the Cowboys 35-7. It was one of those games that I haven't experienced in years, in which every single thing went our (Redskins) way, the other team turned it over (not us!), all the penalties were on the other team for once, and we even got seven sacks on Leadfoot Bledsoe!

I definitely don't care about the Skins as much as I used to (they should change the racist name for starters) but beating the stuffing out of Dallas and pretty much eliminating them from the playoff race is a fantastic start to Christmas week.

UPShorts

I saw four UPS deliverypersons today. THREE OF THEM WERE WEARING SHORTS!

Folks, it's 45 degrees out here. Only idiots like me who ride their bikes to work wear shorts, and even then we are a people few and far between, as most cyclists have expanded their warddrobe budget to include pants. Hence, due to their courage in the face of mildly unmild weather, I award UPS the SuperMattalica Craziest Delivery Service of the Year Award!


There, that picture should take your mind off the one underneath....

****UPDATE! I just saw another UPS deliveryperson -- wearing shorts! UPS truly is the craziest delivery service of the year!

THIS PICTURE IS REAL! NOT A MASK!

It's impossible not to look!!!! If you need an explanation, here it is.

If you're low on things to be thankful for on Turkey Day, this sure is something.

Paid to Guess

Last night I was enjoying the local nightly news (slow news day -- there was a five minute feature on cyber bullies!) when, not so surprisingly, the weather rolled around. For those of us who ride our bikes 22 miles a day, it's nice to know whether or now we will get soaked with chilly rain. Alas, when the weatherman went to the five day forecast, he couldn't quite put his finger on Sunday and Monday's weather, and called it "Unsettled."

Those words actually appeared on my television. "Unsettled." IT'S YOUR JOB TO PREDICT THE WEATHER! I screamed EVEN IF YOU CAN'T BE SURE, GIVE ME YOUR BEST GUESS! Give me a chance of rain, give me something. But for Chrissakes, don't just give up! Are you too hungover to do your job? And those days are waaay in the future -- if things change, just alter later on. Nobody will remember! Besides, this is San Francisco, the mildest weather ever. Worst case scenario: you're five degrees off.

Kind of reminds me of that scene in LA Story, when weatherman Steve Martin taped the weather ahead of time and put suns all over the map so he could go on a date, and then it rained cats and dogs. But at least Steve Martin took a stand, unlike those gutless chumps at KPIX!

Respect the 5-oh

I got a nice little email from the po-lice today. In case you haven't been paying attention, the SFPD has embarrassed the city for the second time in three years (remember Fajitagate?) by making and distributing a racist, gay-bashing video -- just a few months after the 49ers did the exact same thing!

Anyway, they're not all jerks (although what's with the line "they have to keep those thoughts to themselves" re: bigots? like it's acceptable!). The email:

From: SFPD Park Station [mailto:SFPDParkStation@ci.sf.ca.us]
Sent: Wednesday, December 14, 2005 6:51 PM
To: sfpd.park.station@sfgov.org
Subject: Park Station Updates

Friends
This has been a trying time for the SFPD. The latest scandal makes it harder for us to do our jobs. I support our Mayor and Chief in their taking immediate action and making it clear that these videotapes are not acceptable. People will see in them what they want to see. I want you to know that we do not have a racist, sexist, homophobic department. Our Department has come a long way in my 25 years. These sentiments are not accepted. We have bigoted individuals as does any large organization but they have to keep these views to themselves. Each of us has different sensibilities. To those who are offended I apologize. Know that the members of Park Station continue to work at protecting you and solving the problems we have.
Captain John Ehrlich

Online Reading Excitement

Bored at work? (Resounding yes!) Try Gene Weingarten's Chatalogical Humor. Funny, intelligent, and down-to-earth, covering topics ranging from the morality of publishing violent comic strips to the funniest-sounding countries to challenging word puzzles. With occasional input from Dave Barry!

Also, and possibly better, is Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback. If you like your NFL with a side of wiseass and a heavy topping of brainpower, this is for you! Also of note: emails from Official SuperMattalica College Pal Marc Bush have been featured in the column on two occasions!

Quietness

I recently read the novel Prep, by Curtis Sittenfeld, which is (as the title and cover art implies) about a girl attending a fictional well-to-do boarding school on the East Coast. There were plenty of problems with the book, most prominently stereotypical characters (the pretty blonde girl, the jocks, the cool black guy everybody likes), scenes that went too long, and a very gimmicky conclusion, but overall I liked it. Largely because it explores the world of people I don't really understand -- quiet people, and quiet women in particular.

The narrator/protagonist, who was a smart overachiever in middle school, clams up in her new surroundings. Every movement is overanalyzed so as to avoid embarrassment and little preemptive action is taken. It's extremely frustrating to read -- just go talk to the boy! say hello! don't be such a wallflower! -- but it's also very interesting. As one who's never lacked in the way of self-confidence, for many years I usually believed that quiet people were boring, not thinking, and/or didn't have anything to say. They rarely added much to a conversation either.

In general, I still think these thoughts are still largely accurate. But quiet people, obviously, are thinking, and many can be fascinating once you get them to loosen up. My grandfather, a really smart guy and astute observer of people, spoke about 10% as much as his wife. I myself, believe it or not, try to talk less. The right words at the right times work better than all words all the time, and many times saying anything at all on a subject will only get me in trouble. I can't believe how many people at work have told me stupid things, like their lack of respect for a colleague or their intentions to quit. Why tell me, dummies? What do you have to gain, except feeling cathartic? Get a shrink.

I also found What Women Want insightful in this realm. (Came out a few years ago, stars Mel Gibson in the ridiculous plot that he was struck by lightning and then can hear women's thoughts...stupid, but an interesting idea.) I was pilloried for admitting this in my writing group, but I was being honest -- I didn't much stop to consider what women care about, and didn't much care that they went about things differently. After all, I don't try on five outfits in the morning looking for the one that makes me look thinnest, I don't worry incessantly about how my every word might come off, I hardly ever think about shoes, and I don't pretend to be somebody else in front of others just to keep appearances up. And while What Women Want was very cliched with those references, the film was effective in hammering home that men and women, in many cases, think quite differently.

A no-brainer, right? But thinking about this more has been really helpful in improving my ability to create believable female characters in fiction, to think about these ideas and get to the truth.

Twilight Day

I got up this morning and, after mulling over possible physical activities for the day, decided to go to Orinda for a bike ride. Orinda is an East Bay suburb with no defining characteristics other than pretty good biking (at least, that's what my guidebook of San Francisco area bike rides says!). I never verified that point, because I forgot my cycling shoes which means I couldn't clip into my tiny little pedals which means I couldn't go. I did have a nice drive in though, aside from all the dropped cell phone calls.

Then I hopped in the car and soon discovered the best thing about Orinda -- cheap gas! $2.15 at Shell AND Chevron. Fire up the SUVs baby!

On the mopey drive home, I spotted a Mazda 323 hatchback on the Bay Bridge. It looked oddly familiar, and I drew closer. The license plate...the tell-tale dent in the side...the tell-tale smaller-but-still-visible dent in the other side..the parking permit...the fuzzy dice may have been gone, but that was my old car, sold back in July, still street-worthy! The brakes hadn't gone out on the new owner after all! A new timing belt perhaps had been installed, the oil changed, the radiator flushed! Gotta say, seeing that old car of mine made my wistful for a second, but then I turned up the radio on my seven speakers, rolled open the sunroof, and zoomed on by with the flair of a 2005 model and that crappy piece of crap was soon little else than another speck in the rearview mirror.

On the way my brother called. He asked me if I wanted to play tennis. I said yes and offered to pick him up. Five minutes later he called back and said he had been ambushed by a severe headache. I asked him if he was actually busy washing his hair and couldn't think up a better excuse. (Okay, I asked him that one in my head, but at high volume.) Five minutes later he called me back and offered me a free microwave. I accepted, and altered my freeway entrance strategy for San Francisco so as to swing by his apartment. Five minutes later he called back and rescinded the microwave. I told him that he should have stuck with the headache story.

Got home, nothing to do. No motivation to write today, no pressing deadlines. So I picked up a book I'm reading by Don DeLillo, an alleged master novelist, and continued plugging away. All the characters were the same, the plot was unbelievable and boring, yet onwards I trudged. A hundred pages later I stopped and went to the movie store to pick up a recent, mediocre Will Ferrell movie.

Victory is mine!

I Want My Hi-Def MTV

Congress just decided to cut welfare and food stamps, cut taxes, and use what little money is left to subsidize the purchases of digital televisions.

At times like this it's hard to believe that human beings are running the show.

Asstounding Article, or Jerky Teenage Memories

There's a hilarious piece in the Chronicle today making of fun of the growing need for longer needles to effectively inject obese patients' buttocks.

Kind of reminds me of a girl in high school named Andrea. Andrea was an attractive young woman, not the sharpest stick on a tree but pleasantly charming and easy enough to converse with. Unfortunately, Andrea was cursed with a rear end the size of a Toyota Tundra, and sure enough my friends and I would alway make comments around her about the asstounding topics we were studying, or recall interesting hypothetical questions assked, or debate recent findings in asstronomy. Needless to say, when Andrea wasn't around we called her Assdrea.

Cosmo Kramer and Sir Mix would've had a field day.

Architectural Idiocy

It was cold last night. I wore a sweatshirt to bed. There was frost on the ground this morning. I overheard homeless people in the park discussing the warming effects of vodka. I even busted out my long pants for my ride in -- the first time I've done so this year -- and still I was chattering as I pulled in to work.

Then I went to the bathroom to change into work clothes. (Sorry all -- Spandex at the office don't fly.) My office is basically a remodeled California-style school, so I have to go outside to get to the bathroom. The actual bathroom itself has vents at the top and no heating, which means that when it's 40 degrees outside it's 40 degrees in the bathroom. Needless to say, I shivered into my clothes, and then discovered that the hot water doesn't work.

Three cups of tea later, I started to feel my hands again. Ugh....

Find Jerry Tang

I've seen signs searching for Jerry Tang EVERYWHERE in San Francisco. I saw at least 10 leaflets around town yesterday, two people carrying life-size photos, plus an article in the Chronicle and a link off Craigslist. And still I haven't been able to find the guy!

Jokes aside, the underlying story is pretty sad: a local dad with a history of seizures is missing without his medication. He's been gone for a week, so unless he took a secret trip to Mexico or something it doesn't look good. But give him this--he's got a lot of friends who miss him. If I ever go missing, get me Jerry Tang's search team.

Don't we all wonder who would be there if we went missing? Who would comb the wilderness looking for us? Who would fly across the country to show up at our funeral? Who would stay up late crying about us and who would write letters to our significant others? And who wouldn't?

He's Still a Crip and Killer, People

This is an extremely cogent article explaining why Tookie Williams shouldn't be pardoned. I entirely agree.

In general, I'm against the death penalty...but I can understand. I implore my fellow death penalty opponents to pick the right battle: a man who killed four people and started the gang responsible for thousands of deaths and an environment of mayhem and fear across Los Angeles isn't a guy to go out of the way to defend.

Super Bowl of Suck

Oprah Winfrey appeared on Letterman last night. This is really only interesting because for several years Letterman has been petitioning Oprah to come on the show, but Oprah has refused, basically because she was scared Dave would make fun of her. Apparently with the play adaptation of the world's cheesiest film, The Color Purple, opening across the street, and with Dave getting older and more mellow, Oprah thought she could chance it.

Oprah was scheduled to come on the show last year in what Dave called The Super Bowl of Love. Dr. Phil (Dave's all-time best guest, narrowly edging Charles Grodin), was going to come out first, then moderate Dave's reunion with Oprah, and then Dave was going to waltz with Oprah into the night. Funny! And Super Bowl of Love is funny too!

But last night was incredibly boring - I actually switched over to Kimmel at points. Dave did nothing but kiss Oprah's butt and tell us all about the marvelous work she does. C'mon Dave! Oprah's a person who could use a few mean jokes in her life, to take her down a notch. Dr. Phil's awesome because he can make fun of himself, but Oprah can't - and needs it!