Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Hard-Hitting Journalism

I wrote a silly article for the SPCA's Animal Assistant Therapy newsletter and I just found out it's available online. Scroll to page 2 - "The Lick of Love."

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Misleading Headline

Bush Cancels Vacation to Focus on Relief

Uh, he's going back to work TWO DAYS early on a FIVE-WEEK VACATION when a humungous hurricane devastated the country he's allegedly running. That's not anything close to a vacation cancellation in my book.

Besides, when you've got one of the coolest jobs in the universe, why do you need vacation at all? From 2009 on, it's gonna be all vacation all the time for W.

Satan Is Taking Over the World

Dr. Phil's son is marrying one of the Playboy triplets. Can you guess which one?

Can't wait to see their marriage counseling on national television. Think it'll be topless?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Burning Consumerism

I'm going to Burning Man this week. For those of you who aren't familiar with the concept (which kind of includes me), Burning Man is a festival in the middle of the Nevada desert featuring huge art installations, weird experiences and, presumably, lots of nudity.

Most importantly, however, Burning Man requires bringing all you own stuff. Food, shelter, water, etc - nothing is provided, and there is no money at the camp. (Highly ironic in my opinion, as tickets to this thing cost $250.) I hate camping largely because of the need to bring everything - I'm always looking for something, I'm never comfortable, nature isn't a big enough payoff. We'll see how Burning Man turns out.

Anyway, yesterday was one of those hell days of shopping that Americans have to endure a few times a year. I hit Costco, Foods Co, Safeway, a bunch of dollar stores, a bunch of thrift shops. I bought 45 gallons of water, four rolls of duct tape, two sun umbrellas, and a crapload of Budweiser. Sunday was a busy day at all the stores -- I felt like I was moving in a herd, and I also got that creepy feeling I get in Las Vegas -- too much capitalism!

Which again is ironic given Burning Man's anti-capitalism utopian mission. Full report to follow.

Friday, August 26, 2005

A Grand

The computer on my bike has me at 992 miles since I bought the thing on June 5. That means that this afternoon, somewhere in the Presidio, I should bust the 1000-mile mark.

I've had the bike 83 days. That works out to an average of 12 miles per day, or more than many city dwellers have traveled by car since June 5. Even better, I save $7 in gas and tolls every time I ride to work...so I've probably saved $300 so far?

OK, OK - the moratorium on bike blogging begins now.

A Very Long Cheesefest

I watched A Very Long Engagement the other night. For those of you not in with the hip foreign films, this movie is basically Amelie part two - charming, whimsical French girl, fairy tale elements, plenty of mortified silence. I did enjoy the fantastic elements of the film - there was movie magic, which is all too rare these days.

But the dialogue! They can get away with cheesy lines about love and soulmates in French - barely- because it sounds nice. Bluh bluh bluh bluh je nou se qua. (I took Spanish if you couldn't tell). But even through the filter of language I found myself wincing at the corniness of the dialogue.

There were other problems with the movie (too many characters with confusing French names who all looked the same covered in mud in the trenches for starters) but the biggest problem was the dialogue. It was just too -- Hollywood. And French films, of all movies, are where we should be able to go to escape from Hollywood.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Cruisin' for a Brusin'

Looking pretty damn good at the 99-mile mark if I do say so myself! Although I did point at the wrong camera.

In Search of the Next American Bad Ass

I've been listening to Guns N Roses Lies a lot lately. When I was in high school, I used to listen to the last four tracks exclusively -- they're the acoustic, musical songs that are nice and melodic. Now I'm listening only to the first four songs, which are live, distorted, a little out of synch, and totally raw.

Why have my tastes changed? I think it's because very few people make music that kicks ass anymore. AC/DC used to. Metallica used to. GNR used to. George Thorogood used to. Alice Cooper, Poison, Ozzy, etc. But most rock 'n roll today is alternativish, introspective and conflicted, pouring out tortured thoughts and emotions in powerballads. What happened to music with loud guitars and a screaming singer? What happened to ENERGY? What happened to music that made you want to go home and learn the song on guitar?

(Two current exceptions come to mind: Kid Rock and Blink-182. But they're not exactly what they used to be...)

On that note, whatever happened to ass-kicking movies? Arnold and Jean-Claude are out of the picture, and the next big hopes (Vin Diesel and The Rock) hardly put out anything, and little that's watchable.

Do men no longer need these energetic outlets anymore? Hardly -- that's why the NFL, NASCAR, country music and wars are doing so well. In fact, maybe a new run of badassism would relieve us of excess testerone and make us less inclined to go invade foreign countries.

How about a reality show, American Gladiators meets the World's Strongest Man meets American Idol? There could be Axl impersonation contests, a street fighting component and a bench press competition, with regular steroid testing. Television producers, give me a jingle...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Penn-s-iran-ia

Sean Penn's got a killer series in the Chronicle this week about his recent visit to Iran. I thought he was overrated in Mystic River, but he makes for a very incisive writer.

Follow the adventures of Madonna's ex-hubby here.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Supporting Evidence

Elie Wiesel wrote a fabulous editorial about Gaza in the Sunday NYT that basically restates my position from Friday, although with considerably more elegance.

His best point:

Let's imagine that, faced with the tears and suffering of the evacuees, the Palestinians had chosen to silence their joy and their pride, rather than to organize military parades with masked fighters, machine guns in hand, shooting in the air as though celebrating a great battlefield victory. Yes, imagine that President Mahmoud Abbas and his colleagues, in advising their followers, extolled moderation, restraint, respect and a little understanding for the Jews who felt themselves struck by an unhappy fate. They would have won general admiration.

I will perhaps be told that when the Palestinians cried at the loss of their homes, few Israelis were moved. That's possible. But how many Israelis rejoiced?

Sunday, August 21, 2005

100 Miles of Glory

Pumping up the jam, in the Yountville Veterans Home parking lot, at an absurdly early hour. 100 miles to go and already we've taken a sexually suggestive photo.

The couple that parked next to us were celebrating their 40th anniversary with the 65-mile bike ride. They roucked.

Meghan and I celebrate the ascent of Mt. Veeder, the highest point on the ride. No nipple chafing so far!

There were a bunch of other amazing pictures, but I accidentally recorded them as movies that don't work on the blog, so you'll have to take my word for it that the Napa Century was gorgeous, not so difficult, and the most painful thing my ass has experienced since that one night of experimentation back in college.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Stereotypes Die Hard

Last night, at 11:00, I visited a donut shop in Noe Valley.

Four cops in five minutes. I didn't see a single one of them pay.

Earlier this week, I saw a hilarious piece on the news. A bunch of cops broke into a Mrs. Fields and helped themselves to free soda. The newscaster then turned to the camera and, obviously stifling a chuckle, told us with a semi-straight face that the police claimed to be severely dehydrated and exhausted from carrying around heavy gear for hours.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Gaza Gaza Gaza

The news from Gaza has me riveted. It is historic, amazing, emotional, astounding. People who have lived in one place -- at the encouragement of their government -- for their entire lives are being forcibly removed, kicking and screaming, praying and mourning.

To put that in perspective, imagine if the US decided to remove Americans from Hawaii and give the state back to the native Hawaiians. It would be a war, and most people would be firmly on the side of the American people living in Hawaii -- after all, we could be next! All in all, with no reported deaths, the Gaza withdrawal is going incredibly smoothly.

But Gaza is not Hawaii. First of all, the whole area has been basically a refugee camp for the past 55 years. It's surrounded by walls and barbed wire and Palestinians can only leave - for the day - with a special permit from the Israelis which is not easy to get. The tiny percentage of Jews living there take up 1/3 of the land. That is not right. Under these crappy conditions, the non-Jewish unemployment rate is incredibly high, as is the birthrate and level of Palestinian terrorism.

That is all disillusioning, particularly the terrorism - primarily because it's been so effective. Israel would not leave Gaza if it wasn't such a hassle to guard the settlements, if their soldiers weren't being attacked left and right, if bombs weren't going off in checkpoints. Terrorism made Gaza too expensive in human and monetary terms and Israel decided that, with 8,000 Israelis and 1.37 million Palestinians in the area, the numbers didn't add up.

(Interestingly, I read a book about the civil rights movement lately that convincingly hypothesized that violent rioting and action by blacks in the heavy duty segregationist South is eventually what forced integration. When the natives get restless, the empire reacts.)

Will the pullout make Israel safer? Probably not. Most quotes from Palestinians and Arabs I've read issue approval in backhanded ways, saying things like "this is only a small step in the reconquest of Palestine" or "they should have done this years ago, those Godless sources of evil." I wouldn't expect a flood of gratitude from the Palestinians, but I would expect a few measured responses (a la the general Israeli public). But then again I probably overestimate the levels of education and prevalence of rationed discussion in the Arab world.

For some incredible pictures of the Gaza withdrawal, click here. For an incisive editorial on Gaza, click here.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Harder To Get Into Than Harvard Med School

...a job at the new Wal-Mart in Oakland. 11,000 people applied for 400 crappy, underpaid, low-benefits jobs.

We've got a serious problem on our hands if that many people will not only settle for, but will aggressively pursue crap work. I'd rather be a carny or car salesman or something than work for the man at Wal-Mart.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Cops

Has awkward writing ever been so entertaining?

Vandalism/Graffiti, Arrest Made

Wednesday, August 10, 2005: 11:34 PM, Haight and Stanyan

They say crime never sleeps and neither did our graffiti artist. Park Station's late night plainclothes officers saw a young man with a marking pen drawing on the wall of the CALA Foods at Haight and Stanyan. He told the officers that; "if I had a spray can I would have drawn a large picture on the side of the wall." The cost of repainting the wall was estimated at between $500 and $1000. Our art critic officers took Rembrandt to jail.

Robbery Gun Simulated Note Used

Friday, August 12, 2005: 1:55 PM, 1485 Haight Street (The GAP)

A white male 20 to 30 years old 6', 185 pounds, blond short curly hair, wearing blue jeans green sand colored shirt and carrying a green shoulder bag waited patiently in line until it was his turn to approach the store's cash register. He handed a note to the first cashier stating, "Open the register I have a gun." The cashier told the robber that he could not open the register and a verbal argument ensued with the robber assuring the employee he had a gun and was serious about him opening the register. In the meantime the line of customers behind the robber grew patiently waiting for the robbery to be completed in order to complete their own purchases. The cashier handed the note back to the robber explaining that only the manager could open the register. The very upset robber demanded to speak with the manager. The cashier, being a good employee, called the manager to his station. On the manager's arrival the robber presented his note in a highly agitated manner simulating he had a gun concealed inside his shoulder bag. The manager read the note and opened the register and handed approximately $124 over to the robber who then stormed out of the store. A search for the robber resulted in another man being stopped a few blocks away but the cold show proved to be negative and the good citizen was thanked and released. Our note-writing robber is still at large.

Road Rage-Battery with Serious Injury Arrest Made

Saturday, August 13, 2005: 11:55 AM, Geary and Masonic Street

For an unknown reason a man used his Infiniti to cut off a Jetta and block their forward progress. This enraged motorist then exited his car and forced open the Jetta driver's door and without a word of explanation started punishing the driver who suffered serious deep cuts on his nose and eye. The sharp thinking passenger exited her side of the Jetta and ran to the Infiniti and removed the car keys preventing any escape by its driver, thus forcing him to answer to the Law. The Infiniti owner realizing his predicament immediately chased down the female with his keys ripping part of her clothing and tackling her to the street floor. It was noted in the Officer's report that he out weighted her by over 100 pounds. Well, a pedestrian witness enraged himself over this motorist's unbelievable conduct, rescued the female passenger pinned to the ground underneath her tackler who was screaming at her to return his car keys. The good citizen pulled the road raging man off the lady passenger who continued to clutch his keys. Once freed, she ran into the Lucky Penny Restaurant where an astonished audience had been viewing this unsporting event while eating their meals. She requested the police be called and a restaurant employee dialed 911 and the rest is history. The police arrived and arrested the road maniac who declined to explain his actions; possibly because there is no good explanation for his felony acts and capture by a brave female passenger who proved to be stronger both mentally and physically. Don't you like a story with a good ending?

Today's Trivia

Were there more injuries today in:

A. the historic evacuation of the Gaza Strip
B. NFL training camp
C. a stampede in Virginia for 4-year-old Apple laptops

If you guessed C, not only would you be correct, I would hope that you feel some stomach curdling for American consumerism. That bitter taste may be quickly glossed over with the ol' the-US-is-still-a-pretty-good-country-despite-all-the-idiots attitude -- I mean, at least we're not kicking anybody out of Hawaii, right? -- but still. HITTING PEOPLE WITH FOLDING CHAIRS? SELF-URINATION? For OLD computers that nobody uses? Grow up!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Bike Lecturers

Yesterday I went on a 65 mile bike ride in preparation for next weekend's epic Napa Century attempt. I did the Alpine Dam ride in Marin (some info scattered around this website) which was beautiful and atrociously steep and amazingly solitary considering I never got more than 30 miles from San Francisco.

However, I had at least one instance where a fellow cyclist tried to lecture me on something. I ran a red light in downtown Sausalito, something I do regularly as A) it's a T intersection with no traffic coming from the right side (I'm safe) and B) I don't want to waste potential energy by stopping. This guy sidled up next to me and told me that I could get a $250 ticket for doing that. Annoyed, I sarcastically said, "Thanks," but Lecture Man was unwilling to take a hint and continued warning me about the perils of red light running until I waved him off and told him to run along.

How annoying is that? Do I lecture assholes about being assholes? Homeless people about being homeless? Lazy people about being lazy? Not unless I really care and they'll listen, which is a rare combination. Lectures from strangers will only piss people off, which is exactly what happened here.

In my experience, there are few San Franciscans as condescending as cyclists. They hate cars; they hate riders with less serious gear; they bike without the slighest look of fellowship on their face; they don't say hello. I've seen full-scale screamfests between riders and motorists because of something as stupid as the cyclist riding to the left of the bike lane, making it hard for cars to pass them. 90% of the time, I agree with the motorist.

There is one semi-common exception in which I side with the cyclist: if contact was, or almost was, made. Case in point-- I was riding home yesterday when a car stopped on a busy street. It didn't pull over; it just stopped. Thinking the driver was lost, I went on the inside as oncoming traffic was on the left. All of a sudden a door opens, an Asian lady sticks her head out, and I nearly had a trip to the hospital. Needless to say, I loosed a few expletives. But I DIDN'T stick around and lecture them repeatedly. And judging from the terrified look on the lady's face, I think they got the point.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Pissed Off Canuck

I just like this one...photo credit moi...


Friday, August 12, 2005

Putting the War Back Into Peace Corps

There's a controversial new proposal on the table to give US soldiers the option to serve in the Peace Corps as part of their service. I served (briefly) in the Peace Corps in Guyana back in 2001, and a bunch of my Peace Corps buddies are dismayed by this new idea. Their arguments:

1. Many Host Country Nationals (HCNs) suspect Americans as being in the CIA or doing some kind of secret ops - why else would some rich white person live in a hut with no running water, internet or McDonald's? The feeling is that this "wolf in sheep's clothing" perception only be exacerbated by sticking admitted soldiers in the field, even if they are there to do only good things.

2. There are also concerns that military servicemembers who join the Peace Corps aren't in it for the right reasons and that they're basically doing it to avoid being shot at (an excellent reason in my book). In their view, this subverts the real intention of the Peace Corps (which I learned was basically to do pro-US public relations).

But I've gotta say, I'd rather our soldiers build schools and help kids to read good than kill and destroy any day of the week. Like any institution the Peace Corps ios resisting change, but I think this is an idea worth examining.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Tip Your Cabbie

Two people busted out of jail, then only gave their cabbie a $15 tip on a $185 fare. Needless to say, he turned them in later on.

Kind of reminds me of the time I tipped a waitress forty-three cents on a forty-dollar dinner - she came running down the street yelling after me. In my defense, the food was bad, the service was terrible, she got all of our orders wrong, the restaurant was freezing cold, the wine stank and wasn't what we ordered, and they tried to overcharge us by a lot on the bill. Fortunately I only got a yelling exchange in the street for that (won by moi) rather than a return trip to the joint.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Ship 'Em Out

Gotta like San Francisco's new plan to reduce the homeless population. The beauty is its simplicity: put them on a bus and send them out of town!

[Insert in-laws/children/parents joke here]

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Stylin Sunrise

I don't care much about the shuttle mission, but this is one sweet picture.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Yet Another Reason to Love eBay


Now up for sale: Ariel Sharon's war bandage! Unfortunately the eBay post reveals that the section caked with Sharon's blood is not included, which means al Qaeda voodoo operatives may have to look elsewhere. Bidding starts at $10K, which seems pretty reasonable until you consider that you're bidding on a used band-aid.

Good thing Arafat never put his Nobel Peace Prize on eBay. That shameful award isn't worth the price of shipping.

A Sad Day For Canada

Does anybody else find it surprisingly disturbing that Peter Jennings died last night? Probably because he was a permanent fixture in news my entire life -- and looked extremely young for 67.

Makes me rethink my once-every-two-years cigar habit...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Computer Programming Sucks

I just spent a half hour trying to fix my blog -- I added a few links and the whole thing looked stupid, with sections disappearing and headers appearing as links and underlines vanished.

The culprit: one extra set of quotation marks. How the hell could somebody do this for a living?

Hip Hopera

Last night I saw the first five episodes of R. Kelly's new urban opera "Trapped in the Closet." It was pretty entertaining, as R. struggles through the torrid world of sexual dishonesty and relationship doubletalk with other characters who convincingly lip synch his vocals. Worth a look.

However, I do think that R. can only get away with near rhymes for so long...having a pretty voice doesn't give him license to rhyme "home" with "long," "on" with "phone," "nails" and "hell," and, the lazy songwriter's classic, rhyming "me" with "me."

Friday, August 05, 2005

Quote of the Year

"I know we don't have any Dallas people here. They're the ugliest people in the world."
-- Coach Joe Gibbs, in jest, to questions about the Cowboys during his address to the fans.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Because I Need More Pictures

My cousin Ariel checked out the Burning Man temple in Hayes Valley last weekend. It's a really cool structure (made from wood scraps) with markers and pens lying around for people to add decorations. The plan, or so I heard from other midnight visitors, is to tear down the temple in September, replace it with other temporary artwork, and continue rotating in new stuff every three months or so.

Beats a stupid bow & arrow sculpture, I'll say that.

Pimp My Wolfemobile

Somebody asked Tom Wolfe about what he's reading this summer and his response is hilarious:

Maggie: A Girl of the Streets by Stephen Crane. If Stephen Crane hadn’t died at the age of 29, he would have been remembered as a giant. I’m literally rummaging around my desk to see what exciting things I have here …. The Abs Diet by David Zinczenko. Here’s the thing: I never really had sharply defined abs, even when I was an athlete. I always wanted them to look like a cobblestone street. That was before six-packs; they didn’t have six-packs, but they did have cobblestone streets. My wife said, “You have cobblestone streets, but they’ve been paved over.” Here’s a real barn-burner: Religion and the Decline of Magic by Keith Thomas. This has to do with what I hope to write: a history of the last 1,000 years of the world in 98 pages. It was going to be 100 pages, but 98 sounds so much shorter, don’t you think? No one is interested in this book but me. There’s a book called Status Anxiety; the fellow has kind of a French name. [Alain de Botton.] That’s another thing I want to write— a book about status ….

And Hemmings Motor News, which is a thick periodical—this one I’m looking at is 672 pages. It’s full of ways to either fix up old cars or do things with new cars …. This is all part of my desire and attempt to, as they now say, pimp my ride. I have a Cadillac DeVille, which people think of as a stodgy old-people’s car, but I have the intention to show people that this is a sensational old-people’s car once I pimp it.

Toast Scouts

Has anybody else noticed the high number of Boy Scouts being electrocuted these days? After the latest lightning strike, I couldn't help but think that maybe the Man in the Sky is commenting the Scouts' absurd position on civil rights...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Rock N' Homo

Turns out Jimi Hendrix told the army he was gay to get out of the army. Can you blame him? If that's all it takes to dodge the draft, why did so many people run to Canada? Not that I'm against serving my country, but if I didn't have terrible vision (which I'm confident would get me out of the running pretty quickly) I'd immediately start wearing tight clothes and listening to Madonna if it means I could avoid going to Iraq.

How much proof does the military need? A french kiss? Heavy petting? Leather pants?

Why don't more people pretend to be gay to get out of the military? I'd imagine it has something to do with the "moral values" that involve discrimination against homosexuals held by many of the demographics more interested in joining the military (red staters).

As for me, I think we're all better off because Jimi didn't waste his time in the army, and, if I'm ever called in, I hope to impress doubters with my artistic output as well.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Barking Loose

A dog competed in a recent swim from Alcatraz to SF...and finished 72nd out of more than 500 racers.

That's waay better than I could do, or my dog could do. It's even more impressive when you consider that he was probably doing the doggy paddle the entire way.