Built-In Stupid Sign

Some idiota in Utah has sold her forehead as a billboard for a measly 10 Gs.

I think I'd resort to streetwalking and manure shoveling before doing this.

Seinfelded

Last night I stumbled across the rare Seinfeld episode that I either haven't seen or can't remember very well. It's the one where George is eating a lot of shrimp in a meeting and this jerk tells him that the sea called and they're looking for all their shrimp. George spends some time thinking up a comeback and shows up at the next Yankees meeting with a tub of shrimp, but learns that the jerk has been fired and now works in Akron. Undeterred, George flies out to Akron, sets up a bogus meeting with the jerk's new company, brings along the tub of shrimp and fires his comeback: "The jerk store called, and they're looking for you."

Then the jerk says back: "It doesn't matter, because you're their biggest seller."

Then George says: "I had sex with your wife!"

Needless to say, I was on the floor.

Anyhow, this morning we had a meeting with a new client in the seafood industry...and for a brief, laugh-stifling chunk of it, all I could think about was how funny it would be if there was a tub of shrimp on the table and if somebody accused somebody else of having sex with their wife.

Summer In the City

There's some fresh hard-hitting journalism in SF Weekly this week on inner tubing Cache Creek and sailing the SF Bay.

And I wrote it!

Lars Update!

Just went out and had a chat with Lars in the parking lot! He did a great job of trying to ignore me but once I told him I was in the fan club he melted like a stick of butter. Unfortunately I didn't land the cell phone picture but seeing as his kid's going to school next door I'll have plenty of chances to get myself invited to the Metallica holiday party by the end of the year!

Lars the Intern

Lars Ulrich just walked into my office! Apparently he was looking for the school next door so he could register his kid for school next year. Somebody said, "Hey, you look familiar," and he said, "I used to intern here" and ran off.

Funny stuff, seeing as we only have ten employees and zero interns.

Unfortunately, although I am a former member of the Metallica Fan Club, have seen the band 8 times in concert, and am definitely the only person here who cared at all, I missed him because I was in the back working. Doh!

What's a Better Reason to Impeach a President?

1. Doing the semi-nasty with a fat intern and then lying about it.

2. Making up reasons to go to war, and then scaring everybody into going along with it.

Let's see...

Option 1: Nobody dead. Personal reputation soiled, national reputation cemented as home to too many uptight fanatical Christians who prefer to pretend that sex never happens. Country at same level of safety.

Option 2: Thousands dead. National reputation soiled as meddlers and torturers. Country more unsafe with more pissed off Arabs/terrorists fighting in insurgencies, etc.

And the worst part: making up the threat and telling everybody it was related to 9/11, when it wasn't. More documents come out every day from the UK demonstrating that even our top allies thought we were creating this from smoke (read this front page article from the Washington Post, which is what got me so riled up this morning). The worst part is that nobody stood up against it then (and few people are doing so now).

The Gamble

Each day when I wake up, I have to decide whether to ride my bike into work. I love riding in, but when it's raining, or I'm really tired, it's an extremely bad idea. Two weeks ago I rode in in foggy weather and it rained all afternoon - I was shamed into begging a ride home off somebody. Not cool.

Compounding the problem is that the weather changes every ten feet. It could be raining sheep in San Francisco and 80 degrees and sunny in Marin (where I work). So, my morning evaluation is usually a mix of intuition, a look out the window, and a trip to the weather section on sfgate.com. Bear in mind that this is all done by a 7:40 departure, when I am less than on top of my game.

This morning was all pea soup but no rain on the forecast. The hell with it, I thought, it's just fog, it'll lighten up. By the time I got to Golden Gate Park (about .4 miles away), my face was covered in mist, and the hills up ahead looked like they were raining. Rather than get drenched for ten miles, I turned around and drove instead. Turned out, of course, that it wasn't really raining - we've just got this really thick, wet haze everywhere. Not exactly your typical summer weather.

Long story short, now I'm feeling really antsy and regretting driving, especially because I have to buy gas. On the plus side, if this is the worst problem I have all day (and it probably will be, at least of the variety that I'd post on the Internet), life is amazingly good.

Another Reason to Love the Big Aristotle

Shaq just got his MBA, for which he did most of the work online. He wanted the degree, he claims, partially because he may have to leave his fantasy world and work 9 to 5 like the rest of us one day.

Uh, Shaq? You make $30 million a year. Unless you pull a Mike Tyson or MC Hammer on us, and I personally like to think you're far too smart and charming for that, ain't no WAY you're going to have to work a 9 to 5.

And even if you do blow all that loot, there's always the music career to fall back on. Kazaam!

Her Arms Are Like Baby Gators

My mom is doing some serious political lifting these days. Look out!

Although I think the comparison to Nancy Pelosi is based on political outlook and leadership rather than physical appearance, unless Nancy P. just started dying her hair.

Idiot Alert

It's hard to accept that most of this stuff happens within five blocks of my apartment (typos the SFPD's):

Felony Drug Arrest

Monday, June 13, 2005. 3:41 p.m.; Alvord Lake, Golden Gate Park.

Plainclothes officers entered the park at the above location when a new-to-town homeless guy asked one if he needed anything. The officer told the guy he needed an eighth. The guy then walked the officer towards the tunnel and produced what he had asked for. The two agreed on a price and instead of producing money the officer produced his police star. And the dude was busted. He went straight to jail without collecting $200.

Burglary/Theft from Supermarket: Arrest Made

Thursday, June 16, 2005; 4:09 a.m.; 690 Stanyan: CALA Foods

Two suspects went to Cala Market for a shopping binge at 4 a.m. One of the Suspects attempted to pay for some groceries with someone else's credit card which aroused the cashier's suspicion. After the cashier refused the credit card, both suspects went to leave the store with the 2^nd Suspect concealing a large bottle of rum underneath his clothing. The sensor on the bottle activated the alarm past the cash registers and the Security Guard attempted to detain both Suspects for the police. The Suspects fought with the Security Guard who sustained a moderate gash to his forehead but was able to detain the 2^nd Suspect. Further investigation revealed that the credit card was not reported stolen and the Suspect had over $400 on him. Alas, what this thirsty Suspect forgot was that alcohol sales is prohibited in our great state after 2 a.m.!

Warrant Arrest

Friday, June 17, 2005; 1:31 a.m.; Haight and Shrader Streets.

Officers encountered a stumbling drunk in the middle of the street yelling obscenities at cars as they passed. They stopped him before he hurt himself. A computer check showed that he had a warrant for his arrest for driving drunk. Good thing he was only stumbling along this time. He was taken to the station so that he could indeed appear on his warrant.

Agravated Assault on Officer/Arrest

Saturday June 18, 2005 1045am 400 block Hugo

Officers were called to 6^th & Hugo on a report of a woman yelling on the corner. Our 50-year-old female suspect yelled profanity at the officers. She then walked down the street and tried to pry open a mailboxes. She then walked up some stairs to a landing about 12 feet above the sidewalk. She then threw a cement planter at the officer standing below narrowly missing him. She was taken into custody. You never know when a Saturday morning can turn deadly.

Saddam Hussein Loves Cheetos

But really, who doesn't?

Big Shot Bob

I tuned in for the end of the NBA finals game last night. Robert Horry was insane. He scored all the points at the end of the game, launched his groin into some Piston's face on a monster OT dunk, and, of course, nailed the winning 3 with six seconds left. I hardly ever watch pro hoops anymore, but this was a finale worth watching even if the boring ol' Spurs won. Particularly insightful were the following observations about Horry on espn.com:

Lord knows I've written about him enough times. I once compared him to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, explaining that "Nobody ever talks about him, but he's always there when you need him, just like the Peebee and Jay." I compared him to Nate Dogg, John Cazale and every other famous person who flew under the radar screen but always ended up in good situations. When someone asked me in a recent mailbag whether I would have Horry's career (multiple rings and rich) or Barkley/Malone's careers (no rings and obscenely rich), I opted for Horry's career (and didn't even think twice). Imagine playing on five (soon to be six) championship teams, ending up with a cool nickname, making $50 million, earning the everlasting respect of everyone who ever played with or against you … and you didn't have to deal with any of the superstar BS? Have a great game, everyone notices you. Have a terrible game, nobody notices you. And that's your life. Doesn't that sound like the ultimate gig?

Absolved

This guy just handed in his deceased aunt's old library book.

It was due in 1927.

Sounds suspiciously like a Seinfeld episode...

Letter to The Washington Post

Dear Editors,

I applaud E.J. Dionne for penning a stinging critique of the government errors in the Schiavo case. However, the column underscores the lack of what we really need from the Post and other media: earnest investigation and fearlessness in critiquing issues that really matter, such as the damning Downing Street Memo and the Bush Administration's stalled adventures in Iraq. I hope to read more of that in your pages soon.

Sincerely,
Matt Stewart

Swindled

I quit my new writing class at Berkeley. The professor -- Renee Swindle -- was terrible. She ended class a half hour early so she could catch the train back to Oakland. She didn't do the reading she assigned for the class (but berated people who didn't have their assignments ready at the drop of a hat). She made us do in-class writing assignments that did little other than burn time -- how many writers can cook up an astounding first draft in five minutes? We're not in grade school any more.

Renee focused on scenes and style instead of the major, novel-centric questions like: structuring a long piece; creating compelling characters that carry us through an entire novel; developing and weaving themes through a nocel. Most importantly - what about plot? She said that voice is everything - and I agree that a good voice covers up a bad plot but not vice versa - but don't the challenges of a novel include cooking up at least a semi-interesting story that keeps a reader's attention for hours? I think so -- but it wasn't on the syllabus, and we didn't discuss the plot of our first reading assignment once.

She also stressed writing five days a week for a half-hour. Seeing as I usually write six days a week for 2-4 hours a day, I didn't feel this was something worth repeating every five minutes, and even if other people might need it, she only had to say it a few times. Renee claimed to have differentiated herself from her talented friends because "she finished." Yeah, one book, six years ago, no full-time jobs. Not impressive.

Two thoughts on this:
1. Don't settle for safety schools or safety instructors. I didn't apply to a safety law school and I'm glad I didn't. The best are the best for a reason. I took a writing class with a guy I'd heard of at Stanford, and it was far superior than this swill. If I apply to a MFA programs, I'd prefer to not go than go to a crappy school that'll waste my time.
2. Can't wait to plow that Berkeley money into my Roth IRA!

Michael Mania

For the best, most ridiculous website intro you've ever seen, click here. Make sure your speakers are on.

All the stores in the Mission were blasting MJ yesterday and I can't get "Dirty Diana" out of my head. It seems fair to float the question: Michael, how long until the next world tour?

Janis Lives

Top moments from this year's Haight-Ashbury Street Fair:

1. Going down to the fair before it started and buying an official staff t-shirt off a volunteer for ten bucks, which I later used to gain access for myself and eight other people to the stage area, thus bypassing a huge crowd. Also funny was when a fellow "staffer" asked me where Pablo was, and I authoritatively misdirected him up the street.

2. Switchback, a loud and aggravating LA band, was playing on the Masonic Street stage and wanted to know who was having a good time. Steve Cleary began jumping up and down and we all pointed to him, at which point the singer said: "Yeah, that German guy or some shit's havin a good time!" Granted, Steve is 6'2", was wearing sunglasses, and wore a tucked in collared shirt, but the leap to German ancestry was simultaneously over-the-top and hilarious. It took me at least three minutes to stop laughing.

3. Karla Zens purchasing and consuming a large order of green curry in the middle of DJ Lexxus.

4. Watching two guys stumble home on Waller Street and completely wipe out twice.

5. Chatting with the "umbrella boys": the guys whose sole job was to hold umbrellas over the turntables so the vinyl wouldn't get too hot. It turned out to be just as fun as it sounds.

6. Just before leaving brunch, Charles dumped his beer into our silverware drawer. Not exactly a top moment in terms of fun, but very funny.

7. Hearing a Salvation Army girl-gone-wild describe her married name (Nicci Noble) as a porn star name.

Michael Jackson's Next Album Title

Innocent!!!!!

Mike looked really shaky walking in for the verdict. But, as somebody in my office pointed out, he should look a lot better on the walk back to the caravan.

Answer: Intergalactic Fireworks

Question: What happens when a satellite and a comet collide on Independence Day?

Amusing Traffic Note

As I was driving in to work yesterday, NPR traffic reported with substantial incredulousness that a desk was sitting in the middle of an East Bay freeway.

The Colin Theory

For years there's been an unofficial understanding in my family: whatever my brother Colin says about a movie, he's usually wrong. For example, he hated Donnie Brasco and loved Shrek 2. Didn't like The Aviator or Spider-Man, loved Garden State and Sideways. I could go on.

I, on the other hand, truly enjoyed Donnie Brasco and found Shrek 2 terrible (Dreamworks animation doesn't deserve to be in the same room as Pixar. Oh yeah, Colin didn't like The Incredibles either. What the-!). The Aviator was gripping and Spider-Man was good summer blockbuster action, whereas Garden State was trying too hard. I haven't actually seen Sideways, but I've heard from people I trust (girlfriend, parents) that it's overrated.

Colin's not completely out of whack. We agree that Will Farrell is funny and the latest Star Wars was generally enjoyable. Generally, Colin just enjoys Hollywood cheese moreso than most other people I associate with.

Last weekend I put the theory to the test. Thanks to my new trial membership in Blockbuster's Netflix operation (use code usatoday13 for an extra-long 4 week trial session instead of the 2 week standard deal), I rented Meet the Fockers, which Colin despised, and City of God, which was his favorite movie of the past year. Verdict?

Meet the Fockers was funny. Not as good as the first one, but still a solid rental - I laughed out loud several times, there were funny plot twists (Ben Stiller's 15-year-old Hispanic son!), and I remembered what a good actor Dustin Hoffman is. Barbra was also surprisingly good, and there was even an Owen Wilson cameo at the end.

City of God was a chore. The first half hour was completely unrelated to the rest of the movie, uncompelling and overly violent to the point of unbelievability. Later on it got better, but the only reason I trudged through the boring start was because I was tired from my first day riding my new bike and just wanted to sit on the couch and be entertained. (Also, caramel popcorn was provided.) Besides, haven't we heard this story before? I kept on thinking of Juice, which was better and basically the same story - poor kids in the big city can only resolve things through violence, except the hero finds his way out through his true calling (DJing or photography). City of God is the Brazilian version.

Be warned, Colin Stewart Googlers: take his movie advice with a few million grains of salt!

Canadian Signs of the Times

that's bow wow in american

canadian legalese

mmmm....moose

not funny

The Smarter Man Won

Well I'll be damned.

Looks like W actually got better grades than John Kerry at Yale. However, John Kerry failed to match W's arrest record or military service absences.

The good news is that I got better grades than both of them. Vote Stewart in 2032!

New Bike Alarming Statistic

My bike is now officially worth more than my car.

Commuting Statistics

10.8 miles
39 minutes
34 mph maximum speed
breathtaking views from the Presidio and Golden Gate Bridge

My new bike officially roucks. I also picked up a bike computer (no email or internet service, fortunately) that tracks how fast I'm going. Also purchased were clipless bike shoes, a pump (for pumping up the jam), a water bottle cage, and an allen wrench. (Had to take advantage of the 15% new bike accessories discount while I could.)

All that for $400 off the MSRP, plus it's bright yellow. No more getting passed by old geezers!

School's Out For Summer

Isn't that an awesome song?

Yesterday was my last writing class down at Stanford. My ten weeks were fantastic, and I really valued my teacher's incisive comments, but it was time for the class to end.

First, it's a long drive from Sausalito to Palo Alto, about an hour fifteen. Not so bad if that's all I was doing, but then there's the work day to consider, plus I had to get in at 7:30 in order to leave in time for class. Tired and low on gas is a crappy way to end the week. Fortunately the writing high usually counterbalanced that.

Second, the students, on the whole, weren't very good writers. Some of them were, but most of them weren't. Life is too short to read mediocre fiction.

Also, I was disappointed by the turnout. The first week, seventeen people showed up. Last night we were maybe eight. Historically, it turns out, people stop going to extension classes after their piece has been workshopped (they've got what they want) or before they present (they chicken out). And, of course, some people just don't like the class. Regardless, these folks weren't buying into the writing community, not to mention wasting their $555 class fee. Working with half-assers is not very inspiring.

Next week: a new novel-centric class at Bezerkley extension. Reports to follow.

Down With Leashes!

Today might be the happiest day in my dog's life...

...then again, the day I brought home the giant dinosaur bone from Trader Joe's was pretty awesome too.

Talk

Interesting article in the Chroncle about two people who rode their bikes across the country and just talked to people. That's it: no book deal, no documentary. Just getting people off their iPods and cell phones and talking to one another.

People have a lot to say too, much of it intelligent and interesting (and much of it, I'm sure, self-important and boring). My favorite quote:

"The middle of the country is not as bland as everyone says it is," Barry said. "They have a lot to talk about but nowhere to talk."

Isn't American life too insulated these days - particularly in nonurban areas? We go from air conditioned car to air conditioned office to air conditioned home without really giving new people a chance. Most friends are only made through mutual introduction or shared interests - very rarely just by meeting an interesting person in a bar or in a restaurant or on a bus (although that does work for bootylicious purposes).

Most people have at least some interesting stories - it's too bad we don't listen to them more often.

Penalty Flag

The 49ers just put out a PR video that makes fun of our awesome mayor, Asians, gay marriage, and homeless people. The good news: there is a topless blonde shower scene!

Watch the whole fiasco here.

This is astounding, highly unprofessional, stupid, etc. But bear in mind also that the 49ers were 2-14 last year, with those two wins coming against lowly Arizona! Now there's really no reason to keep these guys in town!

Maybe what's most amazing is that this doesn't appear to have anything to do with the Raider Nation...