Popemobile

John Paul II's old Ford just sold for $690,000. No mention of mileage, but his ride did lack a/c and hubcaps.

Think he listened to the Bible on Tape in there?

Inflatable Weekend

The first round of Halloween weekend pics are now available...the main event to come tomorrow...
Before Patches and I set out for the evening, we took in some abstract art in the hallway.

Lucy kept trying to play with the band at every party we went to.


Alan and Otis square off in Kitchen Stadium.

Scott and his noble steed, Oswald.

Francisco, possibly constipated.

Lil' Dude roucks it as Raphael.

I Love It This Way

The whole world's seen this video of two Chinese guys covering the Backstreet Boys, but that doesn't make it any less awesome.

Breathing Easy

I have just finalized my Halloween costume for 2005. It was a close call, as I had nothing planned until a half hour ago, no real group theme, and was basically saved by discount costumes on sale at Safeway. I won't give away my costume yet (tune in next week for more), but I will give you a hint -- it's inflatable!

Halloween in San Francisco is a huge deal. This being largely a godless, pagan city bursting with creativity, the costumes are really on another level. San Franciscans really enjoy any excuse to dress up in stupid costumes, which is why Bay to Breakers is so popular and everybody leaves town for Christmas. In fact, here's how I rank the fun level of holidays in San Francisco -- note the relationship between costumes and popularity:

1. Bay to Breakers. Pretty much a party to-go, with shopping carts bearing kegs and nasty naked men and trout who run the race backward (running upstream) and a whole posse of Elvises. Incredible. The whole city is covered at speeds ranging from a full-out run to a light stroll -- definitely the most San Francisco-specific event there is. Starts early (7:30 am), but worth it. I averaged just over one mile per hour last year. Hey, there are hills.

2. Halloween. 500,000 people flood the Castro with eye-popping costumes. Major streets are shut off; creativity explodes. Two years ago, a working chainsaw was confiscated at the gates....

3. Almost everything else. (Get out of town!)

4. The Fourth of July. (Not much patriotism, fog hides fireworks, no space to BBQ, etc).

The End Is Upon Us

Yale has banned drinking games at the Harvard-Yale game tailgate.

One of my favorite things about going to Yale was the general coolness of the administration. Yale has a shopping period where you get ten days to go to whatever classes you like -- you don't even register for classes until the end. That way, students can see which classes are truly good and which look good on paper and stink in person. It's an administrative nightmare I'm sure, but it makes for a better educational experience. Booze, while not explicitly funded by the school, was often paid for by giving money to key "party suites" to hold various soirees. New Haven cops couldn't care less about underage drinking, unless there was driving involved. Which is what kills people. Not having a few on a non-school day.

To put this in perspective, for Yale kids the Harvard-Yale game is the day after the last day of classes for a week, a time to unwind before the home stretch of final exams. If you're ever gonna have a beer or three in a spirited game of beer pong, that's the time. And these kids aren't exactly going to set a bus on fire or anything -- they're just having a good time.

My favorite part of all this anti-drinking crusading that goes around on college campuses tends to focus on the parents. What hypocrites! As Peter King pointed out in his column this week (read point 9.3), they all did it too. It's a Saturday morning celebrating a game steeped with tradition, not the end of their lives.

Limited Fame

A friend of a friend of mine runs a funky online magazine and I contributed an oldie-but-goodie short fiction piece to get them off the ground.

A Little Anti-Semiticism For You?

The leader of Iran just demanded that Israel be wiped off the map. But wait! Why stop there? What about the gypsies, or gays, or carnival workers? Or anybody who's not a crazy violent Muslim extremist?

It appears that the Axis of Evil designation was pretty accurate for Iran.

Honey, Where's My Burrito Suit?

For those of us who haven't yet finalized a Halloween costume, this was spotted in the newspaper...

A FREE BURRITO -- FOR THOSE WHO DARE: On Halloween, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m., Bay Area Chipotle Mexican Grill restaurants will be giving away a burrito (or order of tacos or salad) to anyone brave enough to come in dressed as a burrito. For locations, go to www.chipotle.com.

Qualification: Visible

My favorite quote of the last month or so (since Kanye West, basically) is that Harriet Miers was "the most qualified person" Bush could find. Clearly W's search was limited to the room in which he was seated at the time, and not counting Karl Rove.

Does anybody else find it weird that Harriet Miers's name is full of typos? Miers? Her middle name is Ellan? She's like the one guy named Mathew (one t) who makes the 99.8% of us named Matthew have to spell it out over the phone. Unfortunately she won't get the chance to enforce proper name-spelling on a Constitutional level, because Harriet Miers is going down like Pamela Anderson on a boat cruise with Tommy Lee!

On Blogging

I've been giving some thought as to the purpose of blogging lately. I do it because I enjoy bringing up societal quirks, discussing politics, and posting silly pictures of Bill Cosby. I also like to write, and blogging is a quick exercise to keep my fingers limber.

However, I don't get deeply personal in my blog. I don't talk about my employer or reveal personal things about my family and myself. That's because I assume that everybody who matters to me will somehow stumble across my blog and there's no point in putting anything out there that will piss people off, make them hate me/want to fire me, etc. The entertainment value/catharsis of putting that stuff out in public is only a liability, as I see it.

That does translate into an admitted lack of juiciness. There are no soap opera plots percolating through this blog, no stories of sexual rampage or violence or personal insults (unless you count our president). Does that make me a little more boring? Maybe. But I don't see how it's worth it.

This attitude certainly affects the fiction I write. Many writers draw on personal experience for their plots -- my last writing teacher thought that focusing on personal experiences was essential to get to the truth of life, which he perceived to be the ultimate goal of writing. Indeed, many writers (notoriously Philip Roth) lay it all out on the table, thinly veiling their relationships and personal experiences through proxy characters. There have been repercussions, but to them it's worth it for that extra level of familiarity, that truth.

Do I need to get more personal, to get deeper? Is it possible to write about things I don't know with that same authority as someone who's been through it? Would you believe me if I wrote about pregnancy or being raped or growing up in the ghetto, or am I doomed to never be capable of convincingly putting myself into other people's shoes? Obviously, it's harder to do that -- but I think it can be done. I also think that it NEEDS to be done -- let's face it, life as a mildly well-off guy with a woman and a dog in San Francisco is great but not always eventful or interesting. I think I need to think outside my head to create something readers will care about, something different, something compelling.

Part of the reason I don't get that personal is because, in general, I'm a fairly private person. I talk a lot, sure, but I don't really like talking about personal things or even physical contact with others. My loss? Maybe. But that's the way it is for the moment. (One could even construe this paragraph to being a breakthrough towards getting more personal through self-examination, but I'm not going to change too much anytime soon.)

In other news, did anybody see the Redskins brutalize the 49ers 52-17? It was pretty much the best day of football in about 15 years.

Too Googlicious for Its Own Good

Everybody loves Google. We love the accurate results, the bountiful email, the white space, the advertising soft sell. Most people love their stock (except for shmoil, who sold short). Even some of their other gizmos, like Google Earth, are admittedly cool, even when there's not really a point to them. This site, if you didn't know, is hosted free of charge by Google.

But I think they've reached the breaking point.

Google is now a big, publicly held company that must continue to grow and hit targets (really, they have to exceed targets) to keep the stockholders happy. They started out as a search engine, specializing nicely into the economy. Now they're trying to do everything, and while a lot of it is useful, some of it makes me think they're going too far.

Back in August, a CNET reporter wrote an article on Google's powerful reach and associated privacy concerns. To illustrate his point, he Googled Eric Schmidt, Google's CEO, and published his home address, salary, and other personal info that he found using the search engine. Google responded by issuing a statement that they would not talk to CNET for a year. Don't dish it out if you can't take it, boys.

Secondly, their desktop search feature basically goes through all your computer files and email accounts -- and bypasses passwords in the process. What's the point of passwords if this thing can beat them?

Finally, right now Google is positioning itself as the Napster of books. They're currently scanning in several major college libraries without regard for copyright. Basically, they're stealing. Now I suspect my readers have all done their fair share of illegal downloading, but there are major differences between books and music. First, of course, I'm a writer and I want to continue to be paid the tiny shares that I get for my work. Secondly, the CD industry was ripping off people for years--as technology improved and the products should have been cheaper, they raised prices. Famous musicians also make a lot more money than famous authors and people generally buy more music than books--it's a smaller industry that can't withstand the Google Smush the same way.

Fortunately, I don't think Google will get that far with their print-stealing program due to the nature of the beast. Reading long segments online sucks -- it hurts the eyes, it's hard to concentrate, it's no fun to carry around a big laptop with you everywhere you go. Still, it's kind of sad to watch Google outgrow its coolness, its friendliness. Could (gasp!) craigslist be next?

Happiness

It warms my heart to see that, now and then, even the biggest, most untouchable jerks get what they deserve. Watch this space for Karl Rove!

But Would He Trade the Whole Team for Larry Bird?

Some idiot down in Oklahoma requested a longer prison term than originally sentenced. Instead of a mere 30-year term, he wanted a 33-year term -- so he'd match Larry Bird's jersey number.

Who would have thought that L.B. would still be so popular these days? Where's LeBron, Carmelo, K.G.? Just further evidence that the modern NBA is no fun to watch, unless you like one-on-one three point shooting and no passing.

Also, if the guy had any brains at all he would have invoked little man Muggsy Bogues, jersey #1.

Entertaining Black Men

Michael Jackson got jury duty the other day. Do you think he has any biases towards the prosecutor in his county?

While we're talking about megastar black entertainers (and I do include MJ in that category), how about a hand for Bill Cosby? He went off on one of his tirades yesterday in Compton, challenging parents to set better goals for their children. Look, I don't entirely agree with Billy C, given the history of racial discrimination in this country -- that's definitely got a lot to do with problems in the black community. But I can do nothing but applaud him for using his substantial street cred (a clean-talking comedian, an actor who portrayed an affluent black doctor) to encourage people to be better parents.

Too Much Democracy

It's October, which must mean there's an election coming up in California. California is a unique state in that we have a ridiculously overgrown initiative process which presents important funding questions directly to voters. In theory, this is kind of a nice idea that hearkens back to direct Athenian democracy, when most shmoes could wander down to the pnyx and weigh in on the latest goat-herding policy. When I first moved here, I was excited to have a say in direct action that would affect my life.

Not anymore. Arnold foisted this latest special election on us because he can't get anything done the old fashioned way -- through debate and compromise. I can't pay attention to him any more, but I do know that he's trying to screw the nurses and teachers and unions, that the election's gonna cost the state something like $200 million, and as a still-kicking Democrat I plan to vote against everything he put up there.

(This is a retreat on my part, as I actually had some optimism for Arnold when he started out. He was fresh, with reasonable social policies and a Shriver in his bed. Since then he's vetoed gay marriage, hasn't fixed the budget, and tried to cheat Californians out of their lunch breaks.)

But honestly, there is way too much on the ballot for me to make sense of. A few things are simple -- Prop F in San Francisco wants to keep the firehouses open. Duh. But so many of these propositions are convoluted, politically driven initiatives with complex histories. I'm a smart guy, but I don't care enough to do exhaustive research on the details of what these bills will actually accomplish.

The best examples of this nonsense are Props 78 and 79. Prop 78 proposes to revamp the prescription drug system and save taxpayers money. Prop 79 proposes to revamp the prescription drug system and save taxpayers money. Prop 78 is supported by the drug companies (profit motive but efficient and real-world ready); Prop 79 appears to be supported by other groups (inefficient and bloated but maybe more well-intentioned).

WHY AM I BEING ASKED TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS?!

This is why we hire politicians, to wade through the crap for us. I have more interest and energy in politics than 99% of my fellow citizens, and still it's hard. Can't I just have Nancy Pelosi handle all this for me?

Traffic Report

On the way in to work, KQED reported that a kitchen sink is loose on a freeway in Oakland.

KQED also reported that there's a toilet a few lanes over. They think it's related.

Failed K9 Warrior

This police dog was dismissed due to lack of motivation, giving up during chases, and eating bad guys' french fries instead of catching them.

Can you blame the guy? He could have a cushy life lying around all day eating french fries and they wanted him to confront criminals. I might give up on the job too in that situation.

Actually, If I'm ever drafted into the service, my plan is to say I'm gay so I'll get discharged. Obviously, that may not work for dogs in the police system. Besides, most male dogs I know will hump anything regardless of sexuality, species, or degree of animation.

Anton! Anton!

For the best German technocrap song about an exclusive ski resort you've ever heard, click here and hit Free Download. Anton Aus Tirol!

*Note: This song was the unofficial anthem of Burning Man 2005

Dry: Why?

I've been sick lately, which means plenty of dozing on the couch, half-reading books. Yesterday I plowed through Augusten Burrough's memoir Dry in its entirety. It's about a gay guy who's an alcoholic and goes into rehab, then gets better until his friend dies of AIDS and he relapses.

There were some nice turns of phrase in the book and the story was interesting enough to keep reading. In the end, I just didn't care that much. The protagonist was a rich guy who had every opportunity a person could possibly want, and blew it, generally, because he made bad decisions. Alcoholism is a disease, and the author had an extremely traumatic childhood, and I sympathize across-the-board. But it doesn't make the book more interesting to me.

Now Leaving Las Vegas -- THAT'S an interesting story about alcoholism. And Infinite
Jest has much more interesting AA scenes -- more vivid descriptions, more interesting characters.

Still, those were novels and Dry is a memoir. I don't deny that Augusten Burroughs has had some weird experiences -- it's just that, personally, I'd prefer to read some of the other millions of books out there first.

Statistic of the Year

A new poll from NBC/Wall Street Journal reports that only 2 percent of black people approve of the job George W. Bush is doing. With margin of errors built in, that could actually be as low as zero percent (plus Alan Keyes).

Wow.

(Only 89 black people answered the poll, so it's not the be-all end-all. But it's still astonishing. I bet I could rustle up 3 percent of black people who like Jesse Helms, or Jefferson Davis, or even John Stockton.)

Why Do You Look at Me When You Hate Me?

I've been listening to Use Your Illusion II a lot recently. Is there any better pump-up rock song ever than Get in the Ring? Granted, the song is stupid, vulgar, and mean, but it sure does the trick in the ass-kicking department.

Obvious runners-up: anything by AC/DC, Kid Rock, Pantera, Limp Bizkit. But nobody really pulls off the bad-assness like Axl & crew. My one regret is never seeing Guns N Roses live -- I had tickets to see them on New Year's Eve in 2003, but then the band went and cancelled the tour a few weeks before hand. Just ask shmoil about that one - he was at the show in Philadelphia where they didn't come out and a riot ensued!

Laundry Wars

Last night, I brought my laundry down to the basement only to find the machine in use. Drat! I thought, and returned upstairs. I came back a half-hour later, took the load out of the washer and sat it on top of the drier, and put in my coloreds.

When I returned for a third time, the load on top of the drier had not been dried and still sat there. I was not about to run somebody else's laundry through the drier, as people have special fabrics and preferred settings and things that shouldn't go through the drier. Plus I don't want to touch my neighbors' underwear any more than necessary. So I went ahead and put my wet clothes in the drier, started it, and loaded my whites into the washer.

I heard the garage door roll up. Enter neighbor "Moral" Mary, who is very religious and teaches at a Catholic school and goes and works with kids in Africa but who also parks in the driveway every night (blocking access to the garage for those who actually pay for it) and leaves doors wide open (not good in a city) and is generally unfriendly. All who know her put heavy odds on her being a lesbian, which is cool of course, but makes for some interesting religious complications. Our conversation:

Moral Mary (gesturing to drier): Those are yours?
Me: Yep.
Moral Mary (gesturing to washer): And those?
Me: Yep.
Moral Mary: Damn

And then she left. Victory was mine! But then I went down to get my laundry this morning and discovered that she'd taken out my dried clothes and PUT THEM ON TOP OF ANOTHER LOAD OF DIRTY CLOTHES I HAD WAITING. This was particularly annoying as I'd put my hamper directly next to the drier and she had to carry my clean clothes a full five extra feet to mix them up. So through a mixture of sniffing and remembering I pulled out as many clean clothes as I could and left the rest to be washed, some of it for the second time. I pulled MM's clothes out of the drier and stuffed it into her hamper, moved my wet clothes in, and started the washer. Then the garage door rolled up and Moral Mary came in.

Moral Mary (gesturing to her hamper): These are mine?
Me: Yep.
Moral Mary: Great! Thanks!

Apparently she didn't realize that I had MIXED UP HER DRIED CLOTHES WITH A DIFFERENT LOAD OF DIRTY CLOTHES STILL IN THE HAMPER! HA!

Obviously this war is not over. I am confident that the strength of smell of my cycling clothes will prove to be the deciding factor in future confrontations.

Meet Jake

I usually just slip new links in on the right, but this one's pretty awesome. Friend/drinking buddy/cycling pal Meg Quinlan is riding her bike by herself through Ecuador. And she's got a blog!

Brace yourself for stream-of-consciousness and take the plunge.

By the way, Jake's the name of her bike, although I prefer to call him Spencer.

Pyrrhic Victory

The logistics of this encounter between a python and an alligator boggle the mind. One conclusion to draw from this is to never eat anything whole that's 40% the size of your own body.

Talk about a real side splitter!

Tragedy of the Day

This one feels like a Salman Rushdie novel waiting to happen.

Federal Employee of the Century

Rosemary Hardy of the EPA has today returned one voicemail and three emails after I called her out of the blue this morning. Rosemary, thanks to your hard work, today I will distrust the government a little less than usual!

ps. Bill Clinton would be my Federal Administrator of the century, of course, but I didn't feel right calling Bill an employee. Not that there's anything wrong with being an employee, Rosemary (I mean, I'm an employee, unfortunately), but Bill did get at least 50 million more votes than you nationwide.

pps. Did you read the first paragraph of Bill Clinton's bio in that link above? (Bonus points if you find the typo.)

During the administration of William Jefferson Clinton, the U.S. enjoyed more peace and economic well being than at any time in its history. He was the first Democratic president since Franklin D. Roosevelt to win a second term. He could point to the lowest unemployment rate in modern times, the lowest inflation in 30 years, the highest home ownership in the country's history, dropping crime rates in many places, and reduced welfare roles. He proposed the first balanced budget in decades and achieved a budget surplus. As part of a plan to celebrate the millennium in 2000, Clinton called for a great national initiative to end racial discrimination.

Dear God, man, how could anybody not vote for Democrats with that kind of track record?!?!

(Answering my own question and preempting Steve's response: fear, greed and religion.)

As Much as I Love Free Internet

How the hell is it a priority? This article makes a great point -- why waste government time and money worrying about Internet access when we've got so many other problems?

I'll never forget in high school when they put a freeze on buying new textbooks for three years while the Global Access program was implemented to provide an Internet-wired computer in every classroom. The only thing I ever did on those computers was to look up 2Pac lyrics one time when I got detention for being three seconds late to class because I was finishing up a test in the class before it. However, the Soviet Union remained prominent in textbooks. It was a huge waste of money, clearly--why can't Google use their cash for something useful, like a big Halloween party or paying my rent, and then writing the whole thing off for tax purposes?

Seriously, I agree with the free Internet advocates in that there's something to be said for being the first and leading the way, but shouldn't we do that with education or crime instead of Internet access?

Snapple Fact

The average person will eat 35,000 cookies in their lifetime.

Now I like me some cookies but 35,000 seems like a lot. That's like 300 a year. But then again I guess you have to factor in those days in high school where I'd come home and punish an entire package of Oreos.

Christmas Is Coming...

Or is it?

Attacked With a Funny Stick

Donald Rumsfeld is giving George W Bush his daily briefing and tells him that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq. W says. "that's absolutely terrible," is lost for words, and holds his head in his hands for several minutes. His staff is amazed at the response, and the whole room stays silent.

Finally George lifts his head from the table and says "exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Joke courtesy of the lil dude email train.

Bush Selection Process

Pick somebody unqualified (Michael Brown, Harriet Miers, etc). Give them an incredibly powerful job. Watch your poll numbers plummet!

Backsliding

David Remnick has an astounding article in the New Yorker this week about Hurricane Katrina. The article begins with a parallel story from 1965, when Lyndon Johnson was alerted about the devastation of Hurricane Betsy, which also flooded New Orleans. Similarly to today, we were at war; however, there was no 24-hour news channel, no internet, no cell phones.

What did LBJ do without all that modern technology? He flew Air Force One to New Orleans that evening, was led around by flashlight in the dark, drove the motercade through the city, talked to people, and promised to cut all red tape. The next morning he fired a 16-page telegram to New Orleans detailing the recovery plan.

Obviously W is a different kind of president. Letterman said it best the other night when he called W "Quick on his feet, cool in a crisis." Of course the irony isn't as clear written out, but believe me, it was funny.

Ironically, everything these days takes so much longer than it used to. After the earthquake of 1906, San Francisco replaced 50+ cablecar lines in six months. Can you imagine that today? The Golden Gate Bridge went up in four years--it's going to take them until 2012 to put up HALF of the Bay Bridge. This is with new technology, increased productivity -- you name it, it's better. But everything takes so much longer.

Maybe part of it is too much democracy. Generally that's good -- plenty of decisions have been made in smoke-filled rooms over history to the disadvantage of the general public. But it's a bad idea in times of crisis, like Katrina. Things need to get done when a hurricane hits, and talking about it in circles slows down crucial help and decisions. Which is why we elect a president - he's one guy to lead and make decisions and steer the ship through troubled waters.

W didn't do that. The "excess democracy" reasoning doesn't excuse W, either--it's not as if he spent the days after the hurricane caucusing for a unified plan. He simply wasn't doing his job. And he doesn't care about black people. (I can't resist!)

Dolly P and the Double Ds

Dolly Parton put on a free show in Golden Gate Park today. I'll be the first to admit that I know exactly one Dolly Parton song (I Will Always Love You, much more famously sung by your favorite crackhead, Whitney Houston). I didn't realize that Dolly did "Working 9 to 5" as well as a bunch of other songs that I can't remember but sound pretty familiar when she gets on stage. Anyway, the show was pretty cool--Dolly came out in a green sequined gown, performed a track on a rhinestone-studded dulcimer, and pretty much played the part of giggly all-American girl. Looking very nice for 59 too!

Lots of free events in San Francisco lately might make one believe that we're the land of milk and honey. Don't forget that my rent is about twice as much as the national average. You gotta pay to play this game, bro!

Free Internet Coming to San Francisco!!!

Ain't nothin wrong with that!

I find it hard to believe that it's worth it for Google to wire San Francisco for free. But then again, I don't really care so long as I can kiss my DSL bill goodbye.