Notable Quotable

"Poetry is the last stop on the bus ride to suicide."

Actually, I came up with that one. Don't get me started on where the fiction-writing stop is.

BASEBALL BACK IN DC!!!

Hail to the Senators!

They've been trying to get baseball back in DC for my entire life. I never even considered it to be a real possibility...but now that it's back, I'm ecstatic.

Count on a Washington Expos/Senators cap on my head by the end of the week.

It's a big week for giving birth

Happy birthday Mom!

Monster Park

Today, the 49ers sold the naming rights to Candlestick Park to a company called Monster Cable. Hence, the stadium will be known as Monster Park.

Is that badass or what? Think of the new mascots, the decorations, the Halloween party. This gives the Niners a HUGE home field advantage. Think about it--would you want to play in Monster Park? Or do you get just a hair nervous?

When you consider the competiton (Virgin Air, Organic--Virgin Park? Organic Park? Ugh!), this turned out fabulously. Plus, Monster Cable is a local company that started in some dude's garage out in the Richmond 25 years ago, not a huge behemoth like FedEx or Ford. Size, however, ties into my only complaint--they only got $6M for four years. The Redskins get over $6M A YEAR for FedEx Field.

But then again, based on the 0-3 49ers season so far, $6M may more than fair.

Texas Revolt

Bush's hometown paper has endorsed Kerry for president.

It's nice to know there are some people with good sense in Texas. But there's no chance that Bush will lose the whole state, and, given the latest numbers overall, I am worried.

Celebrating a Quarter Century of Karla Zens

Happy birthday, babycakes!

Unkissable Bloke, I am

I went to Gordon Biersch last night, and, hungry from my 70-hour work week, ordered a heaping plate of garlic fries.

Never has garlic been as densely packed on an order of fries. It was delicious at the time, but, thirteen hours later, my breath still reeks like Gilroy, CA during festival season. I have enacted a multi-pronged plan of attack, including gum, toothpaste, an electric toothbrush, and additional food as the antidote to garlic stink, but they have all been unsuccessful.

Any suggestions? Or should I quit whining and learn to love the taste of deep-fried garlic?

Did you miss me?

Friends, fans, and families, apologies to you all for my unprecedented blog absence. I have been hard at work punching in my first ever 70-hour week, and, well, there simply wasn't the time or inclination left to provide you with my ever-witty insights and commentary.

Fear not! In the words of Michael Jordan, I'm back!

Farewell, Old Friend

The rumors are true: London is getting rid of their old fashioned double-decker buses.

This is an unmitigated disaster. Under the watchword of modernization, these beautiful, idiosyncratic machines are going to be shelved for some boring, ubiquitous, single-decker model that's guaranteed to suck. What are they thinking?

San Francisco used to be covered in cable cars and street cars. After the quake of 1906 leveled the system, all the lines (close to 50, I believe) were back up in a matter of months. Sadly, today there are only 3 cable car lines left. The rest were taken out in the 1940s because buses were the wave of the future. Now, everybody rues the switch--regular buses are no comparison to the sleek, smooth, charismatic cable car.

London, learn from this! Imagine the catastrophe of New York without its yellow taxis, the horror of Venice without its gondolas and vaporettos, the tragedy of Pittsburgh without the Duquesne Incline, and reconsider just how terrible losing the old fashioned double-decker bus will be!

Save the double-decker bus!

Attack of the Lunatic Cyclists

So I'm riding my bike into work, stopped at a red light, when I see this bike messenger speeding down the street perpendicular to where I'm standing. He's going really fast, and barely slows down to turn right onto my street.

Surprise! There's another cyclist waiting in the left lane!

The bike messenger spun out of control and bit the dust, earning jeers from a couple of assholes in a stereo delivery van. The homeless crowd and myself went to see if the guy was okay, and fortunately he was (wear your helmet!). His first reaction, though, was to blame the other cyclist for stopping in the wrong lane.

Hold on there, feller! Sure, the guy shouldn't have been in the wrong lane, but he shouldn't have been cruising at 35 mph and turning without looking ahead. It was shaping up to be another example of the Blame Someone Else society we live in, but the bike messenger must have realized that he was the idiot and pretty much shut up after that. Most bike messengers (in my experience, at least) are hard core communists, and I'm sure when he realized that the at-fault party was merely some hippie on his way to work, not a negligent capitalistic corporate pig, he calmed down a little.

Then, ten blocks later, in the middle of Market Street, my blinking rear light fell off. Just like that, plop. I recovered the light, but not the missing screw....needless to say, I pedaled in at below-average speed after all that nonsense.

Joe, Where Art Thou?

If you saw the Redskins-Giants game today, you know what I mean.

7 turnovers
lots of penalties
loss to a shell of a football team

Come on! The NY Giants suck! At least they got this crap out of their system early on.

On an SF Giants note, I saw Barry Bonds hit #701 yesterday....pretty cool!

Here's hoping Barry has a crappy night

Going to the Giants game tomorrow.

Barry's at 699.

Walk him tonight, Padres!!!

By the way, read about the Dodgers fan who bought out the entire right field bleachers six months ago to nab Barry's 700th. Is that America or what?

Christmas in Guyana

Just three months away....

Votive candles lofting a sleek violet aroma

I got this email from somebody I didn't know today about some pajama party/left wing fundraiser this weekend. Amusing lyrical style though--somebody call 50 Cent!

NOTE: I cut some of this off, because they started fading bigtime at the end.

Saturday nite, the 18th of September
1816 Bush, 10 pm, a nite to remember,
Oh yeah! its the Pajama Jammy Jam,
droppin' phat lines like a poetry slam,
come one come all, by the moonlit air,
we'll chill on down without a care.

We encourage all to wear their finest sleep attire:
pajamas pants and tops and things hot from the dryer,
night gowns, silk robes and flannel hats,
lingerie and underwear is also acceptable.

Its a turquoise auditory soundscape,
turntables spinning its a great escape,
with donations to moveon.org and the democratic party
for each bare midriff, $5 to the higher love and hope,
The hope on high, of a bright new tomorrow,
the burning bush, an old timeless reminder,
of birds and bees, and the fields and trees,
and a thousand other wonderful things I see.

Of a day to come without pre-emptive war,
the politics of fear and the stigma of the Other,
without the watchful eye of our Big Bad Brother,
we can realize the true nature of our creed:
to get on down with the post-funk sound,
spun by our friend G.

Ho up all around,like the ole' mailman,
he's about to deliver,we'll navigate on through this mad-fast river,

Through the Garden State in a mid-20's blur,
like Natalie Portman, so innocent you were,
with votive candles lofting a sleek violet aroma,
we'll slip into a most beautiful light coma.

And as I dispense the knowledge I've won,
some might think back to summer '01,
when the Great Mothership landed in a blastof wondrous blazing lights,
just like Outkast,and the crowd danced through the late night,
unafraid of intoxication or police or danger,
just living ecstatically and violently free.

5th Time's the Charm

So my car was broken into again last week. That's the fifth time in the past year.

Time 1: My windshield was smashed
Time 2: Nothing stolen, but they messed up the lock and threw documents everywhere and the door was left open and it rained really hard and soaked the car
Time 3: Stole 30 CDs, mostly burned jazz with zero resale value
Time 4: Stole my stereo
Time 5: Left the door open, stole my crappy $6 portable shower stereo that I use in lieu of a real stereo.

Obviously I'm being targeted. The stupid part is that I keep nothing of value in the car. The car itself is a piece of shit 1990 Mazda 323 hatchback with a huge dent in the side. It has a resale value of approximately $300.

The weirdest part of this crime spree is, when I'm parked on a hill they don't rob me. When I park in a flat part, they get me. I guess that's because it's more difficult to push their shopping carts up hills...I do my best to park on hills, but SF parking being what it is sometimes I take a flat spot.

And usually I get screwed for it.

Tamale Lady Indigestion

If you've been to Zeitgeist in San Francisco, you've probably had a tamale from the Tamale Lady. I had two last night . But there have been repercussions...let's just say there's a rhythmic gymnastics team in my stomach this morning, and they're going for the gold.

It might not have been the Tamale Lady's fault: there are yesterday's chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, and huge Chipotle burrito I had for lunch to consider. Either way, I've sworn off Mexican food for the day.

Sunday Showdown

The 2004 Redskins season starts on Sunday. And I'm torn.

Ever since Snyder bought the franchise, the Redskins are always one of the best teams, on paper, in August. And every single year we disappoint. Schottenheimer, Spurrier, Deion--you name it, every big name we bring in undershoots their potential.

While I can't help but be excited about Joe Gibbs, I must say that, due to recent seasons, I feel tentative fervor rather than all-out fervor this time around. The Redskins are one of the few teams I care about any more, and it sucks to admit that my enthusiasm is waning, even with a blockbuster coaching move.

Of course, if they win, everything changes.....

Novel #2--Underway

To keep the #2 theme going between posts, I'd like to announce that I've begun writing my second novel and am enjoying it immensely.

BUT MATT, you say, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU'D WRITTEN A FIRST NOVEL!! WHERE CAN I BUY IT? WILL YOU AUTOGRAPH MY BREAST?

Novel #1 is currently under review by a team of readers, whose comments I will incorporate into later drafts. Don't worry folks, I intend to get novel #1 (tentatively titled Favors) out to market as fast as I can. Rest assured, there will be plenty of announcements here!

However, it gets a little old reading the same 350 pages over and over again, dealing with the same characters, fixing and troubleshooting, tweaking and tightening. I've been working on some other projects for various websites, including rouckonline.com and jackasscollege.com, and I've even drafted a few nonfiction pieces I may submit to other places. But let's face it--facts, and fact-checking, take a lot of the pizzazz out of stories. I could write another short story, but come on--who actually likes to read short stories? I don't. Nothing happens in most of them, and I almost never finish.

On to something new, bold, fresh: Novel #2! If you have any good story ideas, post your comments!

We're Number 2!

The SF Bay Area is officially home to the second worst traffic in the country, behind only the juggernaut of Los Angeles. My hometown of Washington, DC checks in at number three.

As I've lived in all of the top three cities, I feel I can definitively say that while the SF traffic may be bad by the statistics, there are lots of benefits to being stuck in SF traffic, including: beautiful surroundings, temperate climate, attractive people, access to In-N-Out Burger, etc. In Los Angeles, getting stuck in traffic is still annoying, but it's part of the LA experience. People accept it, and besides, things are so far apart you anticipate being in your car a lot to start out with.

But summer afternoon rush hour on the Beltway is the worst. I used to have to bring an extra shirt with me whenever I drove anywhere, so I could replace my sweated-through shirt once the air conditioning kicked in. Things don't get much better in the winter, when you can't see out of your frozen windshield and you can't touch your steering wheel and your breath is a permanent addition to the scenery for the first few miles. I'll take SF at number two over DC at number three any day of the year.

Later, LOTR

I finally got around to watching Lord of the Rings last night. Up until then, I'd been boycotting the whole dynasty because A) I could never get past the first 30 pages of The Hobbit and B) I retain a silly, old-man, anti-establishment philosophy that occasionally makes itself known, and the LOTR trilogy became a target. (Harry Potter is a similar such target.) But, as I managed to obtain a copy for free at work, and I figured I should at least have some clue of who all these characters are (it comes up in the animation world, believe it or not), I popped it in last night.

Problem #1: 208 minutes long. That's approximately 100 minutes longer than Matt Stewart optimal DVD length. Any longer, and it better be amazing. Hint to producers: whenever you have to break a movie into 2 separate DVDs, it's not a good sign.

Problem #2: The lead character, Frodo, is a wimp. The bad guys are cooler. Why root for Frodo? I didn't care--honestly, I was hoping he got his ass beat in an awesome yet hilarious way. I'll never know, unfortunately, because I fell asleep around the 140 minute mark.

Problem #3: Cop-out explanations. My biggest beef about the animation industry is that when something doesn't make sense, some individuals who shall remain nameless say "Oh, it doesn't matter. It's a cartoon. Who cares." That might work in the world of undeveloped cerebellums, but in adult entertainment, which LOTR is undeniably part of, having lead characters do retarded things in crucial situations, or easily outracing a superior life form, or running out of bullets, or foolishly explaining the real name of a person traveleing in secret after a few breskies, is known as copping-out. There were plenty of these in LOTR, and it made me want to turn that crap off. Try thinking a little longer, writers. You're getting paid enough.

There were some cool goblin effects and badguys and fight scenes, and there was a human lead who I thought was badass. Plus, what's not to like about Liv Tyler? Overall, though, LOTR sure wasn't worth 3 and a half hours of my time--if you haven't seen the films, I recommend you keep it that way.

yuck!

Ready to Rouck!

Dave Eggers and his Ron Jeremy look-a-like friend know how to rouck!

The Truth

Anybody else watch Bush's speech last night? More importantly, did anybody else want to strangle the liar when he started telling us how much people in the Middle East like us for liberating Afghanistan and Iraq? How much the Middle East appreciates us liberating those nations from tyranny?

Earth to George! The Arab street HATES us for being interventionists, shoot-first-with-no-evidence-of-weapons-of-mass-destruction jerks, and untrustworthy, prisoner-abusing, Muslim-insensitive scum that have killed 10,000 Iraqi civilians, among other things. Wake up!

Did you notice that a woman got kicked out for putting up a banner that read "Bush Lies, People Die" in the middle of the speech? They didn't show it on TV, but there were some weird crowd noise moments moments during the speech while it all went down. Mad props to June Brashares (of San Francisco, of course), the woman responsible for making it happen.

Bush was undeterred, however, and went on to label Kerry as a guy who will raise taxes (leaving out that he'll raise taxes only on the rich) and mocked Kerry as a person who takes a nuanced look at complicated issues. Boy, a thoughtful, careful president. That's a new idea....

On that note, here's thinking of Bill Clinton and his heart surgery this weekend. We need him for when President Kerry makes him the next Secretary of State.

Before long, you'll see my mug on money

But I'll start small--with my picture on a stamp.

Pretty cool, eh? What'll they think up next, my picture on a cake?

Asses on Top

No, I'm not talking about porn or the president.

Apparently a couple of donkeys finished 1-2 in a Colorado mayoral election in July. If only the Demos could do so well...

Comedy of Errors

This morning I stepped out onto my back porch and closed the door. Problem: I had left both my keys and cell phone inside the apartment. The door was now locked, of course, to fend off Haight Street evildoers, so I foolishly pulled open my rear window in a misguided attempt to get in. This resulted in toppling over several glass cups filled with pens and pencils that had been residing on the windowsill, shattering at least one of them. My ferocious but tired guard dog was not roused.

Fine. Hopefully my girlfriend will get home from work first and let me in. I went downstairs, got on my bike, and headed to work. Ten seconds later, on my first downhill, my chain came off. I don't know if you've ever put a chain back on on a hill, but it gets a helluva lot of grease on your hands. The rest of the ride to work was uneventful, but when I arrived at my building, I discovered that the elevator was out of service. As the key to my bike lock was locked inside my apartment with the rest of my keys, I couldn't leave my bike on the bike rack, so I ended up carrying my bicycle up three flights of stairs to my office.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!